UNEDITED – Fikile Mbalula Responds To Ntsiki Mazwai: B*tch You Are A Spotlight Parasite!

Miss Mazwai – sana u’wrong’o!!! Let me first congratulate you on getting attention – AT LAST! You were SPOT ON about me not knowing who you are, until someone mentioned “that attention-seeking crack-head is Thandiswa Mazwai’s sister”.

No need to pardon my “ignorance”. How am I ignorant if the entire country doesn’t even know who you are? Let me quickly #RealityCheck you: BIATCH YOU ARE NOT FAMOUS, LET ALONE TALENTED. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A SPOTLIGHT PARASITE, SEEKING FAME THROUGH YOUR SISTER’S GLORY!!! One would swear you and Solanje Knowles were cut from the same cloth.

As a Minister, I wouldn’t normally entertain this but you have touched a topic I feel strongly about: Beyonce! Anyone with a brain would tell you: DON’T GO THERE!!!

Let me address your rather incoherent open letter. You were probably high when you wrote it, so I pardon you (…you’re welcome). You are busy calling me a Minister of Beyonce when everybody knows I’m a Minister of Selfies. In future, please do your homework before penning open letters.

You are busy saying our country is rich with talent. Do you call one-line-songs like ‘imoto etjontj’imali’ talent? South Africans glorify mediocrity and I refuse to be part of such nonsense. You get talentLESS groups like Durban Finest and Zahara being flooded with awards. Sorry madam, I will not be wasting taxpayers’ money on people who are not making any creativity effort.

I love American artists because they take their craft seriously. They invest their all in ensuring that they give us quality music. You say my beloved Beyonce is not more talented than any of our own? You must be drunk Missy! Show me one South African artist who can compete with Beyonce and I will buy you a jet (like she did for JayZ).

I will dress however I like, just like you dress however you like. Questioning my dress sense when you go around naked nobody ever said your dress sense is an invitation for prostitution. You outfits are fit for what Zulus call “seqa mgwaqo”. For your information, Beyonce does respond to my tweets from time-to-time, so I will pardon your ignorance.

You can’t blame me for your inability to pay rent when you are busy investing all your energy in attacks than self development. Instead of personal attacks, why can’t you rather come to me and we can help you develop your talent? Writing open letters and creating FAKE Fikile Mbalula accounts can’t be your hustle.

If only you were as good in music as you are in writing open letters, then people would take you seriously.

Thanks! Bye!

Fikile ‘Razmatazz’ Mbalula
RSA Minister of Sport

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Thuli Madonsela to Investigate Zuma’s Virility: Can It Still Stand Up?

He has 4 wives, 21 children and counting. His wives alone cost taxpayers a shocking R54.6 million, while his children are busy crashing government funded luxury cars and killing people in the process. To add salt to injury, his rented uncles are currently ‘in talks’ about him taking the fifth wife.

In light of this, the DA has lodged a formal complaint to the Office of the Public Protector. Admittedly, their request is the most bizarre (if not thee most ludicrous) of them all: For Thuli Madonsela to investigate President Jacob Zuma’s virility.

“… Given his age and deteriorating health, the DA would like to establish, once and for all, if it’s necessary for the president of the republic, the honorable Jacob Zuma, to have these many wives, let alone take on the fifth one,” the official complaint read in part.

“… As biology dictates, we are of a firm belief that a man of his age is susceptible to physical challenges, these includes inevitable testosterone and sexually related hurdles. As such, we feel his wives have become white elephants, therefore an unnecessary burden to taxpayers,” the complaint further elaborated.

The complaint went on to say: “To lessen this unnecessary burden of over R54.6m taking care of these white elephants, the DA therefore requests the public protector to investigate president Jacob Zuma’s virility, particularly to establish, amongst other things, whether;

a). The honorable President Jacob Zuma is able to fulfill his manly duties as a husband,

b). The honorable President Jacob Zuma is sexually fit to marry wife number five and,

c). Make a recommendation on whether the honorable President Jacob Zuma should cut down on the number of his current wives or not

“It is naturally, physically, psychologically and spiritually known that for any couple to be classified as having a healthy marriage, sexually related action should take place. If such physical action no longer exist, then such a couple can no longer be classified as happily married, but rather emotionally and/or financially dependent on either party.

“We, as the DA, strongly feel that this issue is crucial and should be of public interest in that this country, particularly tax payers, are clothing, transporting and housing the president’s immediate family members to the tune of R54.6m.

“Should the investigation reveal that the honorable president Jacob Zuma is unable to fulfill his bedroom duties as a husband, then logic dictates it is thus pointless for him to have so many wives, and perhaps sticking to wife number one and cutting all ties with the rest might be a strategic and economic way forward….”

The DA has shockingly requested the public protector to send president Jacob Zuma to a Urology clinic for his virility to be analysed accordingly. This includes assessing any erectile dysfunction, penis size, whether the president is circumcised or not, low ejaculation issues, how long does his sexual performance last etc.

Thuli Madonsela’s office has confirmed receipt of what they dub a strange and controversial case yet, after Nkandla.

“Much as we welcome every complaint, it is important to note that every case will be scrutinized according to its own merit. This particular case borders between the infringement of a human’s right to privacy and dignity, and the issue of public interest, particularly because in this instance, taxpayers’ money is being used. Should we take a decision to pursue this matter, members of the media will be promptly informed,” read an email response from Thuli Madonsela.

Presidential spokesman, Mac Maharaj, refused to comment on the matter.

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Senzo’s Will: Kelly Khumalo Gets EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS!!!

#notsenzosdad got so popular, even Kelly Khumalo's toddler jumped in the wave

#notsenzosdad got so popular, even Kelly Khumalo’s toddler jumped in the wave

While #notsenzosdad is busy trending on social networks courtesy of the wave, new fireworks have erupted over Senzo Meyiwa’s Will.

According to a media report published this morning by a popular KZN newspaper, Meyiwa family members were allegedly summoned to an undisclosed law firm regarding the reading of the late Senzo’s Will. To everyone’s shock, Kelly Khumalo was also present at the meeting.

“It was uncomfortable being with Bra Sam and Kelly in the same room. It was so bad, you could cut the tension with a knife,” one of Senzo’s aunts reportedly told the Zulu publication.

The publication’s deep throats allege it wasn’t long before Bra Sam and Kelly got on each other’s throats, where brutal insults were passed faster than a bullet that killed their mutual loved one.

Kelly Khumalo was allegedly called “a township slut who broke people’s marriages”, while Bra Samuel Meyiwa was counter-called “an attention seeking old crocodile who is looking for fame instead of mourning his son’s death”.

The article breathlessly described the drama that erupted as the Will was being read. Upon hearing that Senzo Meyiwa’s sleek BMW X6, his VW Golf 5 GTI and his Jozi north townhouse were all going to Kelly Khumalo, Senzo’s dad allegedly told the lawyer to “hou die lorrie”, and started verbally punching Miss Khumalo.

“Over my dead body… If this b*tch thinks she will turn my son’s asserts into lefu la hae la mphidisa, she better think again, dingu Sam mina…

“You call yourself a celebrity but you live in a spaza shop, you are a Quantum,” Bra Sam allegedly yelled at Kelly. In the township community, anyone living in a garage is labeled a ‘Quantum taxi’ as garages are predominantly for cars, not to house people.

Although a big chunk of Senzo’s money amounting to millions of rands went to his parents and siblings, that didn’t stop the slain goalie’s father from calling Kelly Khumalo a hard core opportunist.

After the meeting was adjourned, the spectacle allegedly resumed at the parking lot, so much so that security had to be called to escort all parties from the firm’s vicinity. The Meyiwa’s have allegedly threatened to contest the Will.

Kubi Sana!!!

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Zuma’s “MaMlambo” Caused Earthquake: Sangomas

Following a series of bizarre earthquakes that have been taking place across South Africa in recent weeks, sangomas have today come forward pointing the death of Jacob Zuma’s MaMlambo (mermaid) as the main cause.

Speaking to reporters, Makhosi MmaLepona, a Pretoria based sangoma well known for being naked while slithering live pythons on her patients, said “Kgwanyape – the god of the sea” is very angry that his two “daughters” were brutally killed, and is therefore brewing the mother of all vengeances.

“The mini earthquakes are indicative that the world’s most tragic natural disaster is coming. Kgwanyape modimo wa metsi (Kgwanyape – god of the sea) is very angry. The bones have summoned me to warn South Africans, especially those living around coastal areas, to prepare themselves for morwalela (a flood) that will be worse than Noah’s,” Makhosi MmaLepona matter-factly stated.

Another sangoma, Makhosi Ndlovukazi from Kwa-Nongoma in KZN, validated MmaLepona’s claim, stating that she too has received a stern warning from abaphanzi (ancestors).

“Hurricane Kgwanyape is heading towards our shores soon. In my dreams, abaphanzi insists that the only way to reverse this will be for Jacob Zuma to resign sooner rather than later, or else the entire South Africa will be wiped out,” claims Ndlovukazi.

Both sangomas claim that “Hurricane Kgwanyape” will begin at Cape Point where the Indian meets the Atlantic ocean, then rampantly move towards KZN coastlines, washing out the entire South Africa in less than a day.

In other shocking news… Two individuals who captured and killed the mermaids that were recently found swimming inside Nkandla’s “fire pool” have reportedly gone blind, while the third one allegedly committed suicide. Although Jacob Zuma has vehemently denied any knowledge of how these mysterious mermaids found their way into his high security homestead, EFF was quick to accuse him of practicing witchcraft.

Office of the Presidency, through the security cluster, are still investigating this jaw-dropping incident.

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Homosexuality Testing Kit Now Available at Local Clinics

(PIC) A sample of the homosexuality testing kit

(PIC) A sample of the homosexuality testing kit

The ministry of health, under the leadership of Dr. Aaron Motsoaledi, has announced that the homosexuality testing kit will be made available for those wanting to test their homosexuality status.

This follows the controversial homosexuality cure vaccine “breakthrough” announced just a few weeks ago. According to Motsoaledi’s office, the creation of the homosexuality testing kit only made sense.

“Treatment for any health condition cannot commence before and without proper diagnosis. As such, it was only logical that the ministry create a kit that will enable health professionals to accurately diagnose homosexuality, before dispensing the vaccine to patients testing homosexuality positive,” said Joe Maila, national spokesperson for the Department of Health.

Similar to the rapid HIV testing kit, the homo kit will also involve confidential counseling and pricking the patient’s finger to collect a blood sample.

“A drop of the patient’s blood will be placed on the test kit, followed by a drop or two of a diluent. A purple coloured line will appear next to C and T. One line would mean the patient is homosexuality negative whereas two lines means sorry Sir, you tested homosexuality positive.

“For patients testing homosexuality positive, additional blood samples will be send to the laboratory for further aggressive testing. If the results still comes back as positive, appropriate vaccine treatment would then commence to cure the patient’s homosexuality condition,” Joe Maila elaborated.

Dr. Aaron Motsoaledi has urged anyone displaying homosexuality symptoms such as; femininity, a flamboyant dress sense such as colour-blocking, obsession for fashion, liking semi-naked pictures of other men on Facebook, love for Khanyi Mbau and/or Bonang Matheba, knowing all lyrics to Beyonce’s songs including buying all her CDs and DVDs, never missing an episode of Generations, being the centre of the dance floor etc. to quickly visit their local clinics for a homosexuality test before it’s too late.

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EFF Accuse Zuma of Witchcraft After Two Mermaids Where Found in Nkandla’s “Fire Pool”

The two mermaids that were found swimming inside Nkandla’s “fire pool”

EFF’s motor mouth, Julius Malema, has accused President Jacob Zuma of practicing witchcraft. This after two mermaids were found in Nkandla’s “fire pool”, allegedly alive and kicking.

A leaked picture of the mysterious mermaids has been circulating social networks throughout the week, with many expressing their shock while others painted the gory photo as fake.

However, in a statement issued by presidential spokesman, Mac Maharaj, the two mermaids were confirmed as real.

“The president of the republic, Jacob Zuma, would like to set on record that although the two mermaids were discovered in a pool situated inside his Nkandla homestead, he was not aware of their existence. The Office of the Presidency will be in a better position to comment once an investigation by the security cluster has been concluded,” the statement read in part.

Opposition parties, particularly the EFF, were quick to accuse Zuma of witchcraft, sighting that he used the mermaids to protect him from being recalled from the seat of power.

“In the black community, we have what we call “ukuthwala – ho rwala”. People would consult sangomas for power and protection, which often comes in a form of muti and/or a snake which lives in a bedroom no one is allowed to go into…

“It all makes sense now. Zuma was accused of rape, fraud and corruption with hard core evidence presented before the court of law, but still walked free…. His mermaids protected him,” Malema told reporters.

The two mermaids were allegedly executed and transported to an undisclosed research laboratory in Durban.

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“Homosexuality Cure” Vaccine Approved by the Ministry of Health

Bye-Bye Outrageous Outfits: Somizi Mhlongo will be amongst the first gays to receive the vaccine

Bye-Bye Outrageous Outfits: Somizi Mhlongo will be amongst the first gays to receive the vaccine

Today UCT scientists confirmed claims made almost three weeks ago that the cure for homosexuality has been discovered.

The story was received as a hoax almost immediately after going public and was condemned globally by the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community.

According to Dr. Aaron Motsoaledi, Minister of Health, a team of researchers discovered what they claim is a vaccine which can prevent early symptoms or cure humans from homosexuality, if treatment begins at a young age.

On May 8, 2013, the Sunday Time broke the news publicly claiming the vaccine was based on scientific research done in 1959 and published under the title “Organizing action of prenatally administered testosterone propionate on the tissues mediating mating behavior in the female guinea pig” by Charles Phoenix, an American researcher.

Charles Phoenix concluded that “INAH [part of the hypothalamus] is dimorphic with sexual orientation, at least in men, and suggests that sexual orientation has a biological substrate”.

Dr. Motsoaledi stated that injecting specific quantities of testosterone helps to unset the artificial biological unbalance which is thought to occur in roughly 2% of the population. What causes this unnatural balance isn’t clear but research tends to indicate “environmental pollutants” likely found in certain foods may cause an excess of estrogen mimickers.

Xenoestrogen are a type of estrogen mimickers found in synthetic or natural chemical compounds. Synthetic xenoestrogens such as PCB’s, BPA and phthalates have been also been found to have estrogenic effects on living organisms.

South Africa has been struggling with its homosexual problem for decades. Last August the South African national parliament announced a state-sponsored program that provides anonymous treatments for gay people. According to the Sunday Time, the program is supported by 88% of the country.

The news initially saw very little coverage, but South Africa at large have strongly supported production of the vaccine while most other countries including the U.S. have received the news with a good deal of skepticism.

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