Following a series of bizarre earthquakes that have been taking place across South Africa in recent weeks, sangomas have today come forward pointing the death of Jacob Zuma’s MaMlambo (mermaid) as the main cause.
Speaking to reporters, Makhosi MmaLepona, a Pretoria based sangoma well known for being naked while slithering live pythons on her patients, said “Kgwanyape – the god of the sea” is very angry that his two “daughters” were brutally killed, and is therefore brewing the mother of all vengeances.
“The mini earthquakes are indicative that the world’s most tragic natural disaster is coming. Kgwanyape modimo wa metsi (Kgwanyape – god of the sea) is very angry. The bones have summoned me to warn South Africans, especially those living around coastal areas, to prepare themselves for morwalela (a flood) that will be worse than Noah’s,” Makhosi MmaLepona matter-factly stated.
Another sangoma, Makhosi Ndlovukazi from Kwa-Nongoma in KZN, validated MmaLepona’s claim, stating that she too has received a stern warning from abaphanzi (ancestors).
“Hurricane Kgwanyape is heading towards our shores soon. In my dreams, abaphanzi insists that the only way to reverse this will be for Jacob Zuma to resign sooner rather than later, or else the entire South Africa will be wiped out,” claims Ndlovukazi.
Both sangomas claim that “Hurricane Kgwanyape” will begin at Cape Point where the Indian meets the Atlantic ocean, then rampantly move towards KZN coastlines, washing out the entire South Africa in less than a day.
In other shocking news… Two individuals who captured and killed the mermaids that were recently found swimming inside Nkandla’s “fire pool” have reportedly gone blind, while the third one allegedly committed suicide. Although Jacob Zuma has vehemently denied any knowledge of how these mysterious mermaids found their way into his high security homestead, EFF was quick to accuse him of practicing witchcraft.
Office of the Presidency, through the security cluster, are still investigating this jaw-dropping incident.