Zuma’s “MaMlambo” Caused Earthquake: Sangomas

Following a series of bizarre earthquakes that have been taking place across South Africa in recent weeks, sangomas have today come forward pointing the death of Jacob Zuma’s MaMlambo (mermaid) as the main cause.

Speaking to reporters, Makhosi MmaLepona, a Pretoria based sangoma well known for being naked while slithering live pythons on her patients, said “Kgwanyape – the god of the sea” is very angry that his two “daughters” were brutally killed, and is therefore brewing the mother of all vengeances.

“The mini earthquakes are indicative that the world’s most tragic natural disaster is coming. Kgwanyape modimo wa metsi (Kgwanyape – god of the sea) is very angry. The bones have summoned me to warn South Africans, especially those living around coastal areas, to prepare themselves for morwalela (a flood) that will be worse than Noah’s,” Makhosi MmaLepona matter-factly stated.

Another sangoma, Makhosi Ndlovukazi from Kwa-Nongoma in KZN, validated MmaLepona’s claim, stating that she too has received a stern warning from abaphanzi (ancestors).

“Hurricane Kgwanyape is heading towards our shores soon. In my dreams, abaphanzi insists that the only way to reverse this will be for Jacob Zuma to resign sooner rather than later, or else the entire South Africa will be wiped out,” claims Ndlovukazi.

Both sangomas claim that “Hurricane Kgwanyape” will begin at Cape Point where the Indian meets the Atlantic ocean, then rampantly move towards KZN coastlines, washing out the entire South Africa in less than a day.

In other shocking news… Two individuals who captured and killed the mermaids that were recently found swimming inside Nkandla’s “fire pool” have reportedly gone blind, while the third one allegedly committed suicide. Although Jacob Zuma has vehemently denied any knowledge of how these mysterious mermaids found their way into his high security homestead, EFF was quick to accuse him of practicing witchcraft.

Office of the Presidency, through the security cluster, are still investigating this jaw-dropping incident.

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Penis Size Ranking: South Africans Rank #7 While Congo Men are Overall Winners

The scientific journal Personality and Individual Differences has recently published research on the average erect penis lengths of men around the world, and according to the study, the men of the Republic of Congo are the biggest at an average penis length of 18 cm.

The study ranked 113 nationalities. British men were ranked 78th with an average length of 13.9 cm, and Americans were behind the Brits (and the Canadians, Spaniards, French, Australians and Russians,) at 12.9 cm.

By continent, African men were found to have the largest penises, while north-east Asians are the smallest. Among European countries, the men of Iceland were deemed the biggest.

North Korean men fell short, with the average being 9.6 cm.

The research was carried out by Dr Richard Lynn, Emeritus Professor of Psychology at Ulster University.

Though the study may have peaked people’s interest, it’s raised many eyebrows too with critics claiming that the study is flawed, as he used some data from websites.

Although the recent survey plays directly into ethnic stereotypes, sexuality researchers Masters and Johnson explained that penis size really has no effect on female satisfaction, according to The Inquisitor.

The Telegraph reported that Professor of methodology at Holland’s Tilburg University Jelte Wicherts said: “This is a brave paper in a controversial area but the data has no methodology.”

Medical Daily says penis size seems to be a bit of a preoccupation for men, causing a healthy industry that claims to have various methods of enlarging the male organ. There is a significant number of men who claim to have small penises but are in fact quite normally endowed, the report says.

It says penile enhancements can come with a host of complications and side effects.

Here are a few of the average penis sizes by country in centimetres:

Republic of Congo, 18
Ecuador, 17.7
Ghana, 17.2
Colombia 17
Iceland 16.5
Italy 15.7
South Africa 15.2
Sweden 14.9
Greece 14.7
Germany 14.4
New Zealand 13.9
UK 13.9
Canada 13.9
Spain 13.9
France 13.4
Australia 13.2
Russia 13.2
USA 12.9
Ireland 12.7
Romania 12.7
China 10.9
India 10
Thailand 10
South Korea 9.6
North Korea 9.6

Source: Times Live

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Man Dies After Vibrator Gets Stuck In His Anus

A 50-year-old British man died after a vibrator became stuck in his anus.

Nigel Willis, who was unemployed and lived with his elderly mother, was rushed to Lewisham Hospital after the sex toy got stuck inside him for five days.

Willis, who was diabetic, became progressively weaker, and was unable to move from his couch during that time, a coroner’s inquest heard Aug 12. He only sought assistance after a friend learned of the problem and begged him to get help.

Doctors said that the vibrator had perforated the man’s bowel. Willis developed septic shock and suffered multiple organ failure, the coroner ruled. His condition deteriorated over a lengthy stay in the ICU. He died.

“The main cause of death clearly is just the abdomen injury – the injury to the bowel,” Assistant Coroner for inner-south London Sarah Ormand-Walshe said, according to the Daily Mail. – The Huffington Post

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Homosexuality Testing Kit Now Available at Local Clinics

(PIC) A sample of the homosexuality testing kit

(PIC) A sample of the homosexuality testing kit

The ministry of health, under the leadership of Dr. Aaron Motsoaledi, has announced that the homosexuality testing kit will be made available for those wanting to test their homosexuality status.

This follows the controversial homosexuality cure vaccine “breakthrough” announced just a few weeks ago. According to Motsoaledi’s office, the creation of the homosexuality testing kit only made sense.

“Treatment for any health condition cannot commence before and without proper diagnosis. As such, it was only logical that the ministry create a kit that will enable health professionals to accurately diagnose homosexuality, before dispensing the vaccine to patients testing homosexuality positive,” said Joe Maila, national spokesperson for the Department of Health.

Similar to the rapid HIV testing kit, the homo kit will also involve confidential counseling and pricking the patient’s finger to collect a blood sample.

“A drop of the patient’s blood will be placed on the test kit, followed by a drop or two of a diluent. A purple coloured line will appear next to C and T. One line would mean the patient is homosexuality negative whereas two lines means sorry Sir, you tested homosexuality positive.

“For patients testing homosexuality positive, additional blood samples will be send to the laboratory for further aggressive testing. If the results still comes back as positive, appropriate vaccine treatment would then commence to cure the patient’s homosexuality condition,” Joe Maila elaborated.

Dr. Aaron Motsoaledi has urged anyone displaying homosexuality symptoms such as; femininity, a flamboyant dress sense such as colour-blocking, obsession for fashion, liking semi-naked pictures of other men on Facebook, love for Khanyi Mbau and/or Bonang Matheba, knowing all lyrics to Beyonce’s songs including buying all her CDs and DVDs, never missing an episode of Generations, being the centre of the dance floor etc. to quickly visit their local clinics for a homosexuality test before it’s too late.

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EFF Accuse Zuma of Witchcraft After Two Mermaids Where Found in Nkandla’s “Fire Pool”

The two mermaids that were found swimming inside Nkandla’s “fire pool”

EFF’s motor mouth, Julius Malema, has accused President Jacob Zuma of practicing witchcraft. This after two mermaids were found in Nkandla’s “fire pool”, allegedly alive and kicking.

A leaked picture of the mysterious mermaids has been circulating social networks throughout the week, with many expressing their shock while others painted the gory photo as fake.

However, in a statement issued by presidential spokesman, Mac Maharaj, the two mermaids were confirmed as real.

“The president of the republic, Jacob Zuma, would like to set on record that although the two mermaids were discovered in a pool situated inside his Nkandla homestead, he was not aware of their existence. The Office of the Presidency will be in a better position to comment once an investigation by the security cluster has been concluded,” the statement read in part.

Opposition parties, particularly the EFF, were quick to accuse Zuma of witchcraft, sighting that he used the mermaids to protect him from being recalled from the seat of power.

“In the black community, we have what we call “ukuthwala – ho rwala”. People would consult sangomas for power and protection, which often comes in a form of muti and/or a snake which lives in a bedroom no one is allowed to go into…

“It all makes sense now. Zuma was accused of rape, fraud and corruption with hard core evidence presented before the court of law, but still walked free…. His mermaids protected him,” Malema told reporters.

The two mermaids were allegedly executed and transported to an undisclosed research laboratory in Durban.

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