“Quick & Easy” Mobile Abortion Clinics Proposed

With funding from the Obama White House, the Department of Health and Human Services, Immigration and Naturalization, as well as a variety of social action and women’s groups, Planned Parenthood today, announced that major changes will be taking place in their abortion on demand, delivery services.

A Planned Parenthood representative, speaking exclusively to the National Report, lamented that abortion numbers are down significantly from those of previous years which had, for some time, been increasing.

“In order to address this urgent problem, we have had to take a look at our business model. Fewer abortions affect our ability to raise donations, leaving us in such an uncomfortable financial position of not only being unable to provide more abortions, but having had to lay off many of our most dedicated community outreach workers.

“In order to begin to address this unsettling trend, we feel that, in many states, as a first step we need to move away from traditional brick and mortar clinics, toward the concept of ‘quick and easy’ mobile abortion services.

“We are also aware of the stigma attached to abortion in these backward thinking, Republican controlled states, as well as the need to assure privacy of our customers. In response, focusing on the need for confidentiality, our mobile units will be disguised as either school district and church buses.

“Given the veritable avalanche of new laws seriously restricting abortion access for teens and women, we feel that, in order to expand and continue to grow, we have no alternative but to seek a newer, more sustainable, 
business model.”

“Our plan”, the spokeswoman added, “is to travel these states, providing abortion services to anyone who asks. Our routes will include high schools, women’s sports and fitness facilities, malls, etc, if this is what it takes to protect the rights of girls and women in this country when it comes to their own bodies.

“If it were men who got pregnant instead of women”, the spokeswoman went on to say, “then you can damn well bet that abortion clinics would have outnumbered Starbucks and McDonald’s a long time ago.”

The spokeswoman also said, “Like any innovative business, we must be ready to change with the times, and go with new trends. In response, we are looking to entirely make over those clinics in abortion friendly states, acknowledging the importance of appealing to a new generation and an increasingly younger clientele.

“In order to accomplish this we have hired a team of consultants and designers who have already come up with some especially exciting new concepts. Some initial suggestions include giving existing clinic more of a boutique look, along the lines of ‘Forever 21 and Victoria’s Secret’. We are also looking at not only offering free WiFi, but providing iPads and computers as well.

“Finally, in order to further transform the often intimidating atmosphere of a medical clinic, making it more festive and conducive to our clients, we are considering options such as coffee bars staffed by professional baristas, free pastries, even an alcohol free, ‘Teen Night’, where kids can get together in an open, accepting environment without being hassled by adults.”

Asked what legal restrictions the mobile abortion delivery services might encounter, the spokeswoman stated that they would of course obey all traffic laws, as well as setting up in large, ‘Walmart and Target’ like parking lots so as not to draw too much attention, as well as, when on-street parking is all that is available, choosing only spaces designated from 2 hrs to overnight. – National Report

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