The Department of Education in Little Rock, Arkansas announced today that they would be approving a new high school level biology textbook that includes a new species on the tree of life: Homo homosexualis.
Department of Education officials stated that the reclassification was simply driven by the definition of a species. The Board of Education issued the following statement about the decision:
Our approval of this textbook is driven entirely by the scientific definition of a species. One of the most basic determinants of a species is the ability of its members to breed and produce viable and fertile offspring. It is our understanding that the gays are not capable of breeding successfully with humans. Thus, they should be reclassified as a new species.
The approval, which the Department of Education says is supported by their scientific advisory committee, has sparked some controversy in the state, but has also drawn wide support.
Marie Copp, an openly gay woman and LGBT rights activist living in the River Market District of Little Rock, has nothing but scorn for the new textbooks. “This is a despicable attempt to belittle, demean, and literally dehumanize gay individuals,” she said during a telephone interview with National Report.
George Sander, a straight male from Benton, had nothing but praise for the new classification. In an email correspondence with National Report, he had the following insight,
“I’ve always known they were a little different. I mean, aside from the guys liking guys and the girls liking girls. You know what I mean? You talk to them, and you just know. It makes a lot of sense now. Whenever I’m talking to a gay, I always get the same feeling as when I’m at the zoo looking at the gorillas. You kind of connect in the eyes, and you see a bit of yourself in there. But you know they aren’t the same.”
Conservative strategist Karl Seber thinks the new classification will catch on quickly as a way to limit the increasing momentum of gay rights.
“This will put a quick stop to all of that nonsense,” he said “As a society, we simply don’t extend the same rights that humans get to other species. Employers are under no obligation to give health insurance to a dog. The government does not give tax benefits to two cats that are in love. As this new classification takes hold, society will be able to exclude gays from many of the rights that humans are entitled to.” – National Report
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