Start Your Engines for the V2 Pride Afterparty

Following a successful re-launch almost a month ago, where some of Joburg’s most trendy came in droves for their staple of top level entertainment, Vula Vala Productions is doing it again this October.

Decked on a rooftop venue that overlooks the iconic Jo’burg skyline under bright city lights, V2 has chosen a suitable venue both safe and refreshingly ambient for networking and connecting on a weekend night out. For the past 4 years, the V2 Experience has branded itself popular for its themed parties and October 25 will be no exception.

Setting the tone for this year’s Johannesburg Pride, the V2 public event is pulling out all the stops to welcome partygoers of all nations, creed or orientation.

“V2 has the highest equity in the entertainment circles, new faces and old without discrimination,” said organizer Matlotlo Gary Malekane-Nkosi referring to the entertainment venue’s varied audience. Topping it off, a tribute will be paid to late Kwaito singer, Lebo Mathosa popularly known as The Lioness who died in a car crash.

For those who are not familiar with the profile of V2, the team consists of young creatives who call themselves the custodians of wholesome entertainment and lifestyle that endorses quality events in a safe environment to be proud of. Trading in their previous Selby venue in Johannesburg, to Braamfontein’s central suburb, the crossover gave the organisers thumbs up from the patrons who arrived in numbers at last month’s launch. This included some of the entertainment industry’s well known choreographers, top stylists and image consultants, young professionals and a variety of party revelers.

Ticking every box when it comes to celebrating the best of Johannesburg out in the spring night, V2 sounds like a treat to bask in the skyline and dance the night away. The entertainment starts at 7 PM.

The V2 Pride Aftreparty details:

Date: Saturday, 25 October 2014
Venue: V2, 17 Wolmarans Street, 10th Floor Bullion Place, Braamfontein
Time: 19H00 PM
Entrance: R60 before 10 PM, R80 thereafter. R120 VIP

For event details contact 083 862 5157 or email matt.malekane@gmail.com

Come and celebrate spring and pride at V2!!!

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Zuma’s Housewives Cost Taxpayers R54.6-million

It cost South Africa R54.6-million to support the country’s first ladies during President Jacob Zuma’s first term in office.

The average annual cost of the Presidential Spousal Support Unit for the last four years of former president Thabo Mbeki’s administration, from 2005 to 2008, was R7.1-million.

In Zuma’s first term, the average rose to R10.9-million a year – an increase of R3.8-million.

In response to questions, the spokesman for the president, Mac Maharaj, said the unit cost R7.877-million in 2010-11; R11.165-million in 2011-12; R7.068-million in 2012-13 and R13.019-million in 2013-14.

The last time information was made publicly available on the unit was in February 2010 when the Presidency revealed in response to a parliamentary question that during Zuma’s first year in office, 2009 to 2010, the unit cost R15.517-million.

According to the Presidency’s website, the spousal office falls under the president’s private office and is designed to support “the spouses of the president and deputy president in their partnership role in presidential, ceremonial, state and executive functions and in all other duties and responsibilities related to their positions as spouses”.

Maharaj said: “There appears to be a belief in the media that government pays for the maintenance of the spouses of the president. This is grossly incorrect. The spouses pay their own living or household expenses, be it food, mortgages, lights, water and so forth.

“Nothing is paid for by the state in the four households of the spouses.”

The specifics of the costs that are covered by the state, according to the Presidency, include:

* Personal support staff (a private secretary and researcher);

* Domestic and international air travel and accommodation for official visits approved by the president;

* Cellular phones for spouses and their secretaries;

* IT equipment such as laptops and printers; and

* A special daily allowance for incidental expenses during official journeys.

There are four officially recognised first ladies at the moment: Bongi Ngema, Sizakele Khumalo-Zuma, Nompumelelo Ntuli-Zuma and Tobeka Madiba-Zuma.

The unit also provides services to Dr Tshepo Motsepe, wife of Deputy President Cyril Ramaphosa.

Annual reports for the Presidency have historically been guarded about the amount spent on the unit and no information of any sort on the cost of the unit has been available since 2010.

The reports did, however, previously carry a report on the work undertaken by the first ladies over the course of the financial year.

The Presidency’s 2006 annual report carried three pages of feedback on the work undertaken by then first lady Zanele Mbeki.

Such information stopped being reported on towards the end of Mbeki’s tenure.

Maharaj said: “The spouses undertake some community work on a voluntary basis based on their areas of interest.

“For example, Mrs Nompumelelo Zuma focuses on social development issues such as orphans and vulnerable children, Mrs Tobeka Zuma focuses on health especially breast cancer awareness, Mrs Bongi Ngema on health, especially diabetes and Mrs Sizakele Zuma focuses on food security and agriculture.”

The cost of state support for the unit has drawn much political outrage. The Democratic Alliance has called for “a special presidential handbook to introduce a strict regulatory framework for spending on the spousal office” in light of the increases under Zuma.

The Economic Freedom Fighters included the unit in its 2014 election manifesto, saying that an EFF government would “remove all presidential spousal support”. – TimesLIVE

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Win Tickets to the SANDTON CRAFT BEER FAIR this Weekend!!!

Spring has sprung in full bloom and Johannesburg’s most popular Beer Fair is readying itself for a fantastic weekend of fun, food, live music and beer.

This fabulous Sandton affair, taking place from the 20th to the 21st of September 2014, boasts a total of 15 wide spread breweries with over 40 different selections of beers and ciders alongside the delicious variety of food vendors, from Mexican to a Champagne Oyster Bar.

Over the past few years South Africa has experienced an enormous hike in the craft beer market and it has become a growing trend. The Sandton Craft Beer Fair brings South Africa’s most exclusive breweries together and offers the public an experience of tasting, learning and enjoying about the beers and ciders on offer.

Bring your friends, family and dress in your favourite Spring attire and come and enjoy the Sandton Craft Beer Fair!

Kids play area will be available (FREE entrance for kids under 12)…

Venue: The Sands: 58 Wierda Road East, Sandton, Johannesburg
Date: Saturday, 20th September and Sunday, 21st September 2014
Time: Doors open at 11AM
Tickets: R150 (Door), R120 (Pre-sold)

Pre-sold tickets can be purchased via www.thesands.nutickets.co.za/events

Wanna Win 4 Tickets To This Va Va Voom Experience?

Simply email your full names, date of birth, email address and cellphone number to news@lifestyletabloids.co.za using the word “Competition” in your subject line.

The winner will be notified via email by Friday, close of business.

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COW GAVE BIRTH TO A CALF WITH HUMAN FEATURES!

THE cow must have been sexually abused, people say. She gave birth to a calf with a strange head, and male and female sex organs.
 
NOW THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO TEST THE CALF TO SEE IF IT’S HALF HUMAN!
 
The Mlangeni homestead is being flooded by curious residents who want to see the creature born to a cow named Nyamazane.
 
Sebenzile Mlangeni (60), from Emazizini Village, outside Bergville in north-western KZN, told Daily Sun the cow gave birth on Sunday.
 
“At about 12pm I saw cow legs coming out of Nyamazane, but I realised she was in pain and it was taking longer than normal for the birth process to finish,” Sebenzile said.
 
“After a while I called my kids to come help. After pulling the dead calf out we got the shock of our lives when we saw that the head looked like a human’s.
 
“Some residents have said that the cow may have been sexually abused in the veld where she grazes.
 
“We do not know whether to bury it like a human baby or maybe send it to doctors to assess it,” said Sebenzile.
 
News of the strange birth spread fast. The Sun Team saw people arriving at the homestead in taxis on Monday.
 
The news shocked Ukhahlamba mayor Thulani Sibeko, who sent a ward councillor and induna to find out how true the rumour was.
 
“When the family sent me the picture I thought it was photoshopped,” Sibeko said.
 
Induna Mfana Malinga and ward councillor Vusi Hlatshwayo said they were shocked by what they found.
 
“I’m 80 years old but I have never heard of this before,” Induna Malinga said.
 
“This is a first in this area. We only know an old isiZulu saying: inkomo ingazala umuntu, but this is shocking.”
 
Head of the department of agriculture in Bergville, Zama Nkosi said he had sent his officials to talk to the family so they can give the calf to the department.
 
“We want to have it checked at a lab to see if it’s blood and flesh have human connections,” Nkosi said.
 
The Malingas said that they are scared to slaughter Nyamazane for meat or a ceremony.
 
“We see her as a human, because she gave birth to a human,” Sebenzile said. “How can we eat her meat?” – Daily Sun

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Vaal Prostitute Uses Stop Watch to Calculate ‘Sex Bill’, Charges R10 Per Minute

A business-minded prostitute from Vereeniging says she offers the perfect deal for men who do not last long.

According to myzimbabwe.co.zw, she uses her cellphone as a stopwatch.

“Normally prostitutes charge R100 for a session in the CBD. Other prostitutes call me ‘Time-Keeper’ but it works wonders for me.”

“I used to charge the standard rates until I got a complaining client two months ago when a customer whose session lasted only two minutes felt it was unfair to pay R100.”

“I told him that if he came back I would charge him R10 a minute. Since then he’s been coming to me up to five times a day. His R100 gives him five sessions. He is a very happy client,” said Time-Keeper. – TimesLIVE

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SHOCKING: Mother And Daughter Are Now Lesbian Lovers

Mary and Vertasha Carter are more than mother and daughter. They are also lesbian lovers.

“Vertasha and I knew we were attracted to each other when she was sixteen,” Mary Carter said. “But we decided to wait to have sex until she was eighteen, legally of age. We are now going public with our relationship to help others who might be in gay mother/daughter relationship feel confident and okay about coming out. We want the world to know we love each other as mother and daughter and romantically.”

Laws forbid incest mostly because of inbreeding and the birth defects that can often come as a consequence.

“We’re women, so Vertasha and I obviously can’t make children,” Mary Carter said. “It’d be one thing if her daddy (he’s out of the picture) got her pregnant and a baby was born with deformities, but we’re not hurting anyone. We’re a new minority and just want acceptance.”

Vertasha is apparently happy with the relationship as well.

“My mom is still my mom. She does normal mom stuff: buys me clothes, pays for food, tells me to make our bed. We just happen to enjoy sex with each other too.”

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A PhD In Less Than Two Months? Grace Mugabe Masters The Art Of FAKE Degrees

With all respect, people deserve congratulations when they do well. When people work hard, and sweat for it, burning the candle all night long, they deserve the accolades.

This week many raised their eyebrows so hear that Grace Mugabe, of all academics, had earned a Doctorate degree. The truth is that she did not deserve it because she never worked for it.

Here is why:

A known Sociology Professor who loves Zanu-PF more than his own wife recommended that Amai must get this wonderful gift in return for favors in the party. This dumb Professor known by everyone to be eyeing for a post saw it fit that this scandal could be absorbed by the docile Zimbabwean community and be killed over time.

The same degree would also appeal to those foolish Zanu-PF youths and ignorant community women who sheepishly followed Zanu-PF without question. Grace would emerge as the right lady in shining armor, educated and all. In so doing many would actually forget that this fake degree would go a long way and shake the entire world as a scandal of all time.

She registered at the UZ in July 2014 and by September 11 2014, she had already completed her thesis thereby becoming one of the world’s fastest PhD earners in the world to date. She never had a Masters degree after she failed English with University of London. Then she studied Chinese language by correspondence and reportedly earned her Bachelors.

Nowhere is it reported as to how or where she earned her Masters degree. She even never had any independent foreign assessors for her thesis topic, never consulted on the topic as such and never even had a chance to research and compile the thesis , let alone defend her thesis. Suddenly, because Robert Mugabe is the President and Chancellor of the UZ, she just had to have it no matter what people would say. The truth was that the degree became fake from the start and will always remain so. It will never be acknowledged by anyone and will never work in any capacity. Even an honorary could be better because it comes with deserving merits.

Even as she had the degree conferred, she felt guilty because she is empty headed and never worked for it. Her speeches, conduct or even public standing do not by any means give an iota of what she studied.

Anyone would even be surprised to learn that she does not even know the implications of the so called Philosophy that she graduated in.

Added to that, she will find it even difficult to explain the modalities of a thesis. She has no clue of how an education system works yet she finds the audacity to push her husband to confer such a powerful degree to her. It’s like setting your own exam and grading it and making yourself a top achiever.

This was a public scandal of all time and it worked to compromise the education system of Zimbabwe in general. It would therefore, from now on, not be a surprise if she commands President Mugabe to confer more of these fake degrees to her family members for the fun of it.

These people destroyed the economy and now they are on their way into destroying the roots of our tertiary education. It just brings relief to me in that every right thinking citizen realizes this embarrassing public fraud and wonders what this means. No one even realized President Mugabe, educated as he is, would sink this low to command the UZ senate and council to award such a shallow-minded, empty-headed lady with such powerful credentials.

Degrees are not bought but are earned after research and hard work. This is not taking Zimbabwe anyway. It simply helps to portray to the world just how things have become.

Education has been inflated. The economy has been destroyed and ethics have been eroded.

This Monday morning, watch my words, corporate CEOs will be stepping on each other’s toes for media space to “congratulate Her Royal Highness” for this public fraud. It is now sad that in Zimbabwe people now worship the first family like they worship God. The foolish smiles, the desperate words of praise and the conduct by some men and women especially in Zanu-PF simply creates this satire that any terrace observer would cry over and regret being a Zimbabwean.

That is just how cheap some people in Zimbabwe have become. You wake up and are told your PhD is ready for pick up. You take a bath, brush your teeth and even have the courage to go and face the world and claim that you worked for it yet you really know deep down your heart that this is the scandal of all time. Shame on the First family. This is a disgrace of all time. – Bulawayo24 News

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Zuma’s Housewives: Drama & Rivalry at SABC

It was a clash that was apparently not captured on camera: a screaming match involving two of President Jacob Zuma’s wives in the SABC’s newsroom ahead of a Women’s Day TV show.

The incident – in front of SABC staff – followed an apparent mix-up, with the invitations being sent to Tobeka Madiba and Bongi Ngema.

The broadcaster sent two separate invitations to Zuma’s fourth and third wives respectively, hoping that one of them would honour the invite to discuss a range of women’s issues to mark the beginning of Women’s Month in August. Both women then arrived at the same time at the SABC studios in Auckland Park, Johannesburg.

It seems when Madiba and Ngema caught sight of one another in the TV newsroom on the third floor of the SABC building, both lost their temper. According to an SABC staff member who witnessed the incident and asked not to be named because she is not authorised to speak on behalf of the broadcaster, there was a lot of shouting and screaming.

The source said the first ladies accused the SABC of setting them up, and “other top executives such as head of TV news Jimi Matthews had to come and intervene”.

“One of Zuma’s wives threatened to call [SABC chief operating officer] Hlaudi [Motsoeneng] and believed this was a conspiracy against them. It was ugly and embarrassing.”

Invitation ‘Confusion’

Matthews confirmed this week “the confusion” about the invitations, but said the matter had been resolved amicably.

“But there was some confusion as to how the invitations were extended because both ladies showed up on the day.

“The producers of the show did try to persuade them to go ahead with the show, but the ladies just left. They felt they were being set up… But they [the two first ladies] are best suited to answer.

“There was an attempt for the producers to talk to them,” he said, adding that the broadcaster had “sincerely apologised” to the women.

“There was poor internal communication,” he said.

Another staff member, who did not witness the incident and also refused to be named for fear of reprisals, said: “Everyone was talking about the drama. I was surprised to hear the following morning that the two first ladies clashed in our newsroom. It was entertaining.”

Women’s Issues

Ngema and Madiba were invited by the producers of the SABC’s 24-hour news channel show The Newsroom, presented by Eben Jansen, to discuss women’s issues.

“[SABC] wanted to produce a Women’s Day show. The idea was to invite one of the first ladies to talk about their foundation and programmes relating to issues affecting women,” said another SABC news staff member close to the show, who spoke to the Mail & Guardianon condition of anonymity.

She said the show had to be cancelled because the two women did not want to participate in the interview – either together or separately.

Jansen could not be reached for comment and did not respond to phone calls and voice messages.

Matthews explained that the invitations had been sent out by two units – one by The Newsroom and the other by the channel head – which led to each of the first ladies being sent an invitation.

He was adamant that the producers did not orchestrate the chaos.

Public Rivalry

This is not the first time Zuma’s wives have been involved in public displays of rivalry.

The Times reported in January 2010 that Zuma’s second wife, Nompumelelo Ntuli, snubbed his wedding to Madiba and that the two are said to be extremely jealous of each other.

Another incident when Zuma’s younger spouses showed their dislike for each other was when he delivered his State of the Nation address to Parliament in 2009. Madiba appeared to have shoved Ntuli aside to position herself closest to the president for a photograph.

At the time, Zuma was standing between Ntuli and his first wife, MaKhumalo, when Madiba appeared to elbow her way between them so she could stand closest to the president.

Media reports say the fights started when Ntuli and Madiba moved to the president’s homestead in Nkandla.

The M&G sought comment from Ngema and Madiba, who had not responded at the time of going to press. – Mail & Guardian

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Gear Up for the 5th Annual Vaal Beach Party 2014!!!

To kick start epic festivities leading to the 5th Annual Vaal Beach Party main event, Masia Sound Productions (MSP) is very excited to announce an electric comedy session featuring SA’s top award winning comedians such as Mashabela, Trevor Gumbi, Sammy Fever and Vaal Finest Comedians to name-drop a few.

The comedy session will be held on Wednesday, 24th September 2014 at Vereeniging Civic Theatre. Doors open at 18:00 and the event starts at 7pm-11pm. Tickets are now available at all Computicket outlets nationwide from R120 and R150 at the door (Tickets are only limited to 800). Drinks and food will be sold at the venue. Free secured parking and disabled facilities are available.

The fun continues with The Pre-Party at Mbazo Lounge in Vanderbijlpark on Friday, 26th September 2014 from 7pm-2am. The Pre-Party is set to create hype and showcase Vaal’s upcoming DJ’s. There will be entertainment by SA’s top deejays and Vaal finest including the likes of Vetkuk vs Mahoota, Major Leguez DJz, Goddard, Hydro, Kevin, Graveyard and more… Tickets will be available at the door for R50 before 10pm and R80 thereafter (Tickets are limited to 1000). Drinks and food will be sold at the venue and parking with patrol marshals will be available at per tip. Strictly no under 18’s.

The 5th Annual Vaal Beach Party main event, to be held on Saturday 27 September 2014 from 12pm-5am at Dickinson Park by the river banks in Vereeniging, is said to be thee most anticipated and attended of the entire weekend. This year the event is set to be hosting +/- 15 000 people from all over South Africa and neighbouring countries.

Those in attendance will be entertained by well-known, award winning and most demanded SA acts including the likes of Black Coffee, Uhuru, Heavy K, Khuli Chana, KO ft. KidX, Admiral and Jahseed, Thebe, Shimza, iFani, Euphonik, Casper Nyovest and many more. Popular television presenter Lerato Kganyago, Bujy, and Happy K will be celebrity MC’s.

Tickets to the main event are available at all Computicket outlets nationwide for R150 pre sale, R180 at the venue and R500 VIP (VIP includes secured parking, complimentary drinks and a lunch meal). Cooler boxes with cans and plastic bottles are allowed, food and drinks will also be sold inside.

Open parking and disabled facilities are available. Weapons, braai stands, glass bottles, drugs or any harmful objects will not be allowed at the venue. Strictly no under 18’s.

The festivities will be end on a mellow and chilled note at the Sunday Soul Session on Sunday, 28 September 2014 from 12pm midday till 11pm at Dickinson Park by the river banks in Vereeniging.

Acts on stage includes the legendary Ringo, Liquideep, Shwi Nomtekhala, Vinny da Vincy, Wilson B Nkosi, Paul Mtirara, Ishmael Abrahams, Chocolatebar and many more…

Tickets are available at all Computicket outlets nationwide for R120 pre sale, R150 at the venue and R500 VIP (VIP includes secured parking, 1 complimentary drink and a lunch meal). Cooler boxes with cans and plastic bottles are allowed, food and drinks will also be sold inside. Open Parking and disabled facilities available. Weapons, braai stands, glass bottles, drugs or any harmful objects will not be allowed at the venue. Strictly no under 18’s.

This is an all weekend festival you can’t afford to miss after been locked up indoors the whole of winter. So go get your tickets, prepare your outfits, picnic baskets, blankets, folding chairs, umbrellas, etc. and come enjoy a great time outdoors in Mzansi’s beautiful spring weather with interesting people from all nations.

For more info on all events visit http://www.vaalbeachparty.co.za

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Only the Best at Macufe 2014, From Start to Finish

MACUFE is set to start on a high and end on an even higher note. Cultural tourists will delight on a potpourri of the finest talent in music, arts, craft, fashion, comedy, poetry and a top-level game of professional football.

The 17 year-old cultural event of note opens on Friday October 3rd at The Dome (Old Grey Sports Ground) – with a show of youthful vibrancy and positive energy in the form of Tshepe, a hip-hop sound unique to the Free State. Presented in a battle of the djs format the show will feature among others Tsepe, Cashtime and Tbo Touch. Tickets are available at Computicket for only R50.

For a mere R170; the mid-week blues will certainly be laughed away on Wednesday, 8 October when Mzansi’s top comedians including Cape Town’s Marc Lottering; Kroonstad-born comic David Kau, Joey Rasdien and Skhumba Hlophe take to the stage at the Dome.

Sibongile Khumalo and Jimmy Dludlu share the stage with U.S guitarist Earl Klugh at The Indoor Jazz on October 9 at the Dome while Christelle Michele, Chantay Savage, Zahara and Choko appear in The Divas Concert on Friday 10 October at the same venue. Tickets cost R250.

Macufe’s Main Festival at Rose Gardens on Saturday 11 October features award winning acts such as Mafikizolo, Jonas Gwangwa, Ringo, Thandiswa Mazwai, Zahara, Sibongile Khumalo, McCoy Mrubata, Paul Hanmer, Feya Faku, Herbie Tsoaeli, Don Laka with Botshabelo Strings, Jimmy Dludlu, Max-Hoba,Victor Kgantlape, Press, Choko and Oliver Mtukudzi. Tickets cost R320.

Concluding on a note fused with the joyful trumpeting sounds of the vuvuzela will be the popular Macufe cup that sees two of the well-supported PSL teams Bloemfontein Celtics and Kaizer Chiefs battle-it out on Sunday 12th October at Free-State Stadium. Tickets vary from R30 for Juveniles, R50 open-stand, R60 Grand Stand and R2166 for VIP’s.

Early bookings will definitely ensure the enjoyment of a stress free 17th Macufe that has the theme “20 Years of Melodi Ya Tokoloho.” Tickets to all events are available at Computicket nation-wide.

Macufe is proudly supported by the Free State’s Sport, Arts, Culture and Recreation department, National Department of Arts and Culture, Mangaung Municipality, National Arts Council and Free State Tourism.

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DJ Zinhle Dumps the King of Confidence Issues, AKA

RAPPER AKA is probably not exactly congratulating himself right now…

Sunday Sun understands that the world-acclaimed DJ Zinhle, real name Zinhle Jiyane, dumped the controversial hip hop star after he played her with two other women!
 
Impeccable sources revealed that Zinhle flipped her wig when she learned that AKA, real name Kiernan Forbes, was busy with girls at Taboo nightclub in Sandton, Jozi.
 
This comes after the rapper, who is notorious for being at war with the Gusheshe hitmaker, Cassper Nyovest, on Twitter, was seen smooching MTV Base VJ, Nomuzi Mabena, AND a socialite known as “Miss Gay”!
 
“AKA is cheating on Zinhle with two other women! He is having an affair with Nomuzi and some sexy girl called ‘Miss Gay’.
 
“This happened behind Zinhle’s back. After she found out about the affair, she was very angry. Zinhle was told about AKA’s affairs and she confronted him.
 
“All hell broke loose when AKA didn’t respond to Zinhle. “She told him she would never allow a situation where she is being treated like dirt.
 
“She told AKA it was over between them,” said a close friend. Another insider told the People’s Paper that Zinhle told AKA his childish behaviour would not take him anywhere.
 
“Zinhle felt AKA needs to grow up. She told us she would never allow AKA to disrespect her in such a way.
 
“AKA has been begging Zinhle to take him back but she told him to go fly a kite,” said our mole.
 
This week Miss Gay said: “Where did you get my number from? “AKA is my boy. Why are you only focusing on me? What about Nomuzi? She’s also going out with him,” she said.
 
For her part in the whole drama, Nomuzi barked at our reporter, saying: “I’m not going to say anything about AKA and myself.”
 
Yesterday the gorgeous DJ Zinhle said she’s not prepared to comment at this stage.

“I’ll comment on Monday,” she said.
 
Yesterday, AKA said he will not speak to Sunday Sun at all. – Sunday Sun

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Zuma’s “MaMlambo” Caused Earthquake: Sangomas

Following a series of bizarre earthquakes that have been taking place across South Africa in recent weeks, sangomas have today come forward pointing the death of Jacob Zuma’s MaMlambo (mermaid) as the main cause.

Speaking to reporters, Makhosi MmaLepona, a Pretoria based sangoma well known for being naked while slithering live pythons on her patients, said “Kgwanyape – the god of the sea” is very angry that his two “daughters” were brutally killed, and is therefore brewing the mother of all vengeances.

“The mini earthquakes are indicative that the world’s most tragic natural disaster is coming. Kgwanyape modimo wa metsi (Kgwanyape – god of the sea) is very angry. The bones have summoned me to warn South Africans, especially those living around coastal areas, to prepare themselves for morwalela (a flood) that will be worse than Noah’s,” Makhosi MmaLepona matter-factly stated.

Another sangoma, Makhosi Ndlovukazi from Kwa-Nongoma in KZN, validated MmaLepona’s claim, stating that she too has received a stern warning from abaphanzi (ancestors).

“Hurricane Kgwanyape is heading towards our shores soon. In my dreams, abaphanzi insists that the only way to reverse this will be for Jacob Zuma to resign sooner rather than later, or else the entire South Africa will be wiped out,” claims Ndlovukazi.

Both sangomas claim that “Hurricane Kgwanyape” will begin at Cape Point where the Indian meets the Atlantic ocean, then rampantly move towards KZN coastlines, washing out the entire South Africa in less than a day.

In other shocking news… Two individuals who captured and killed the mermaids that were recently found swimming inside Nkandla’s “fire pool” have reportedly gone blind, while the third one allegedly committed suicide. Although Jacob Zuma has vehemently denied any knowledge of how these mysterious mermaids found their way into his high security homestead, EFF was quick to accuse him of practicing witchcraft.

Office of the Presidency, through the security cluster, are still investigating this jaw-dropping incident.

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Penis Size Ranking: South Africans Rank #7 While Congo Men are Overall Winners

The scientific journal Personality and Individual Differences has recently published research on the average erect penis lengths of men around the world, and according to the study, the men of the Republic of Congo are the biggest at an average penis length of 18 cm.

The study ranked 113 nationalities. British men were ranked 78th with an average length of 13.9 cm, and Americans were behind the Brits (and the Canadians, Spaniards, French, Australians and Russians,) at 12.9 cm.

By continent, African men were found to have the largest penises, while north-east Asians are the smallest. Among European countries, the men of Iceland were deemed the biggest.

North Korean men fell short, with the average being 9.6 cm.

The research was carried out by Dr Richard Lynn, Emeritus Professor of Psychology at Ulster University.

Though the study may have peaked people’s interest, it’s raised many eyebrows too with critics claiming that the study is flawed, as he used some data from websites.

Although the recent survey plays directly into ethnic stereotypes, sexuality researchers Masters and Johnson explained that penis size really has no effect on female satisfaction, according to The Inquisitor.

The Telegraph reported that Professor of methodology at Holland’s Tilburg University Jelte Wicherts said: “This is a brave paper in a controversial area but the data has no methodology.”

Medical Daily says penis size seems to be a bit of a preoccupation for men, causing a healthy industry that claims to have various methods of enlarging the male organ. There is a significant number of men who claim to have small penises but are in fact quite normally endowed, the report says.

It says penile enhancements can come with a host of complications and side effects.

Here are a few of the average penis sizes by country in centimetres:

Republic of Congo, 18
Ecuador, 17.7
Ghana, 17.2
Colombia 17
Iceland 16.5
Italy 15.7
South Africa 15.2
Sweden 14.9
Greece 14.7
Germany 14.4
New Zealand 13.9
UK 13.9
Canada 13.9
Spain 13.9
France 13.4
Australia 13.2
Russia 13.2
USA 12.9
Ireland 12.7
Romania 12.7
China 10.9
India 10
Thailand 10
South Korea 9.6
North Korea 9.6

Source: Times Live

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Man Dies After Vibrator Gets Stuck In His Anus

A 50-year-old British man died after a vibrator became stuck in his anus.

Nigel Willis, who was unemployed and lived with his elderly mother, was rushed to Lewisham Hospital after the sex toy got stuck inside him for five days.

Willis, who was diabetic, became progressively weaker, and was unable to move from his couch during that time, a coroner’s inquest heard Aug 12. He only sought assistance after a friend learned of the problem and begged him to get help.

Doctors said that the vibrator had perforated the man’s bowel. Willis developed septic shock and suffered multiple organ failure, the coroner ruled. His condition deteriorated over a lengthy stay in the ICU. He died.

“The main cause of death clearly is just the abdomen injury – the injury to the bowel,” Assistant Coroner for inner-south London Sarah Ormand-Walshe said, according to the Daily Mail. – The Huffington Post

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Homosexuality Testing Kit Now Available at Local Clinics

(PIC) A sample of the homosexuality testing kit

(PIC) A sample of the homosexuality testing kit

The ministry of health, under the leadership of Dr. Aaron Motsoaledi, has announced that the homosexuality testing kit will be made available for those wanting to test their homosexuality status.

This follows the controversial homosexuality cure vaccine “breakthrough” announced just a few weeks ago. According to Motsoaledi’s office, the creation of the homosexuality testing kit only made sense.

“Treatment for any health condition cannot commence before and without proper diagnosis. As such, it was only logical that the ministry create a kit that will enable health professionals to accurately diagnose homosexuality, before dispensing the vaccine to patients testing homosexuality positive,” said Joe Maila, national spokesperson for the Department of Health.

Similar to the rapid HIV testing kit, the homo kit will also involve confidential counseling and pricking the patient’s finger to collect a blood sample.

“A drop of the patient’s blood will be placed on the test kit, followed by a drop or two of a diluent. A purple coloured line will appear next to C and T. One line would mean the patient is homosexuality negative whereas two lines means sorry Sir, you tested homosexuality positive.

“For patients testing homosexuality positive, additional blood samples will be send to the laboratory for further aggressive testing. If the results still comes back as positive, appropriate vaccine treatment would then commence to cure the patient’s homosexuality condition,” Joe Maila elaborated.

Dr. Aaron Motsoaledi has urged anyone displaying homosexuality symptoms such as; femininity, a flamboyant dress sense such as colour-blocking, obsession for fashion, liking semi-naked pictures of other men on Facebook, love for Khanyi Mbau and/or Bonang Matheba, knowing all lyrics to Beyonce’s songs including buying all her CDs and DVDs, never missing an episode of Generations, being the centre of the dance floor etc. to quickly visit their local clinics for a homosexuality test before it’s too late.

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EFF Accuse Zuma of Witchcraft After Two Mermaids Where Found in Nkandla’s “Fire Pool”

The two mermaids that were found swimming inside Nkandla’s “fire pool”

EFF’s motor mouth, Julius Malema, has accused President Jacob Zuma of practicing witchcraft. This after two mermaids were found in Nkandla’s “fire pool”, allegedly alive and kicking.

A leaked picture of the mysterious mermaids has been circulating social networks throughout the week, with many expressing their shock while others painted the gory photo as fake.

However, in a statement issued by presidential spokesman, Mac Maharaj, the two mermaids were confirmed as real.

“The president of the republic, Jacob Zuma, would like to set on record that although the two mermaids were discovered in a pool situated inside his Nkandla homestead, he was not aware of their existence. The Office of the Presidency will be in a better position to comment once an investigation by the security cluster has been concluded,” the statement read in part.

Opposition parties, particularly the EFF, were quick to accuse Zuma of witchcraft, sighting that he used the mermaids to protect him from being recalled from the seat of power.

“In the black community, we have what we call “ukuthwala – ho rwala”. People would consult sangomas for power and protection, which often comes in a form of muti and/or a snake which lives in a bedroom no one is allowed to go into…

“It all makes sense now. Zuma was accused of rape, fraud and corruption with hard core evidence presented before the court of law, but still walked free…. His mermaids protected him,” Malema told reporters.

The two mermaids were allegedly executed and transported to an undisclosed research laboratory in Durban.

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Retired Prostitutes Open College of Sex to Teach Tricks of the Trade

Ever wondered what happens to sex workers when they grow old and it is time to retire?

According to myzimbabwe.co.zw, retired sex workers in Zimbabwe are now training the new crop in matters of reproductive health and engaging in safe sex.

Lima Mankarankara, 66, said she and her peers have a “consultancy service” for younger sex workers in the area, to stay relevant in the industry.

“We teach them how to handle clients well and the proper use of condoms,” she said.

“Men take advantage of girls, so this is a way of making sure the girls stay safe and avoid unwanted babies while getting a little something for ourselves,” Mankarankara added.

She said the girls show appreciation for the lessons through money or food for the consultancy provided. “Some of the girls are underage and cannot access condoms, so we give them the condoms because as much as we hate to admit it, the girls are already in business at the age of 12,” the elderly woman said.

Together with three other retired sex workers, Mankarankara runs the organisation and procures sanitation, condoms and pregnancy test kits. – Times Live

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“Homosexuality Cure” Vaccine Approved by the Ministry of Health

Bye-Bye Outrageous Outfits: Somizi Mhlongo will be amongst the first gays to receive the vaccine

Bye-Bye Outrageous Outfits: Somizi Mhlongo will be amongst the first gays to receive the vaccine

Today UCT scientists confirmed claims made almost three weeks ago that the cure for homosexuality has been discovered.

The story was received as a hoax almost immediately after going public and was condemned globally by the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community.

According to Dr. Aaron Motsoaledi, Minister of Health, a team of researchers discovered what they claim is a vaccine which can prevent early symptoms or cure humans from homosexuality, if treatment begins at a young age.

On May 8, 2013, the Sunday Time broke the news publicly claiming the vaccine was based on scientific research done in 1959 and published under the title “Organizing action of prenatally administered testosterone propionate on the tissues mediating mating behavior in the female guinea pig” by Charles Phoenix, an American researcher.

Charles Phoenix concluded that “INAH [part of the hypothalamus] is dimorphic with sexual orientation, at least in men, and suggests that sexual orientation has a biological substrate”.

Dr. Motsoaledi stated that injecting specific quantities of testosterone helps to unset the artificial biological unbalance which is thought to occur in roughly 2% of the population. What causes this unnatural balance isn’t clear but research tends to indicate “environmental pollutants” likely found in certain foods may cause an excess of estrogen mimickers.

Xenoestrogen are a type of estrogen mimickers found in synthetic or natural chemical compounds. Synthetic xenoestrogens such as PCB’s, BPA and phthalates have been also been found to have estrogenic effects on living organisms.

South Africa has been struggling with its homosexual problem for decades. Last August the South African national parliament announced a state-sponsored program that provides anonymous treatments for gay people. According to the Sunday Time, the program is supported by 88% of the country.

The news initially saw very little coverage, but South Africa at large have strongly supported production of the vaccine while most other countries including the U.S. have received the news with a good deal of skepticism.

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Zola 7 is Down and Out!

IS Bonginkosi Dlamini, aka “Zola 7”, heading for depression? Friends of the former megastar are concerned.  Sunday Sun has learnt Zola might be heading down depression road if he doesn’t pick up the pieces of his life.
 
A celeb, who is also a kwaito star and a close friend, said Zola has lost interest in life.

The friend told Sunday Sun: “He doesn’t even attend industry events. He is always surrounded by has-beens at his house.
 
“He decided to avoid insults, mind his own business and chills at home.” His friends are worried that he’s blaming others for his bad decisions.
 
“He’s negative, not the optimistic Zola people used to know. It seems he’s defeated,” said one source. Another friend said when Zola lost his precious wheels, things took a wrong turn.
 
“It’s difficult for him to move around, he has to wait for one of his proteges to go anywhere,” said the source. The friend said it’s difficult to go from having about R5 million worth of endorsement deals to having nothing.
 
“The sooner he stops blaming Lance Stehr and moves on, the better. It’s not too late for him to revive his career but the way he continues he will get depression and it won’t be easy to come out,” said the source.
 
In March this year, Sunday Sun reported that Zola was forced to sell two of his houses because he could no longer maintain them. He blamed it on music piracy.
 
Last week Zola told Sunday Sun: “People don’t see me out there because I perform in rural areas and ekasi.
 
“I’m at home and I’ve been out for the last 15 years. I’m a happy person and am at peace with myself,” he said. – Sunday Sun

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Boity Thulo Dumped Like a Used Condom

Beautiful Boity Thulo of Rockville fame reportedly didn’t want Greg Borowsky to say goodbye. But alas for the sexy TV star, her mlungu hunk slunk off to the US – and Boity wasn’t invited to come along.

HER hot Yankee boyfriend took off and left her crying bitter tears!

Musician and producer Greg runs a band called GB Collective. Last week, he told Boity that for him it was: bye-bye Mzansi!
 
Friends close to Boity and Greg told Sunday Sun she tried to convince Greg to stay. But his mind was made up!
 
It’s understood Greg was worried about the sexy photos Boity posts online.

A member of GB Collective said: “Greg told Boity she was embarrassing him by posting herself in swimsuits on Twitter and Instagram.”
 
A friend, who was at Greg’s farewell party at Moyo restaurant in Melrose Arch, Jozi last week, said: “He (Greg) felt Boity’s sexy body was attracting a lot of attention and Boity promised to dress in a proper manner.
 
“He told her he had already taken a decision to go to New York. Greg told Boity he wanted to start afresh – and far away from her. Boity is heartbroken. She feels she was the cause of the breakup. She wasn’t even at the farewell party,” said the insider.
 
The couple started showing their affection early this year on a bus to the Metro FM Awards in Durban.
 
It was reported at the time that Boity and Greg fondled and kissed each other without caring if anyone was looking.
 
Last month, the couple was spotted being all lovey-dovey at the Castle Lite Extra Cold Music Concert in Centurion.
 
A close friend of Boity’s told Sunday Sun: “Now that her boyfriend is gone, she’s miserable. She tells us she’ll be strong.
 
“She wants to focus on the Strictly Come Dancing show as that will help her deal with the loss,” Boity’s friend explained.
 
This week when Greg was sent questions in New York, he responded and wrote: “Boity and I have always been and remain good friends. Please, respect that. Thank you.”
 
Vusi Leeuw, Boity’s manager, said Boity is out of the country. Asked about the allegations, he said: “I don’t discuss Boity’s private life in the media. I’m willing to talk about the business side of things.” – Sunday Sun

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Nicki Minaj is Coming to S.A!!!!

GLOBAL HIP-HOP QUEEN NICKI MINAJ MAKES AFRICAN DEBUT TO HEADLINE THE CONTINENT’S BIGGEST MUSIC FESTIVAL, ‘TRIBEONE DINOKENG’ IN TSHWANE, SOUTH AFRICA THIS SEPTEMBER!!!

TribeOne Dinokeng music festival, being held from 26-28th September 2014, will be a first of its kind not just for South Africa, but Africa itself. With a line-up featuring over 150 artists performing on three main stages, it is already being billed as Africa’s biggest festival!

“To say we are thrilled to have such an amazing talent and global megastar such as Nicki Minaj take centre stage at TribeOne Dinokeng this year in the amazing City of Tshwane is a complete understatement.

“Fans have so much in store for them not only with Nicki’s first ever performance on the shores of the African continent but Nicki is preparing for an incredible new live performance set just for the legions of music-Tribes transcending the Cradle of Music in Tshwane this year at TribeOne,” says Jandre Louw, Founder and CEO of TribeOne Festivals and ROCKSTAR4000.

The festival will see the historic diamond-mining town of Cullinan, in the City of Tshwane in South Africa being taken over for the first musical journey of its kind on African shores. International, Pan African and South African artists will perform.

Megastar Nicki Minaj will be taking centre stage alongside Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, J Cole, Kid Ink, Keko, AKA, Xtatic, Khuli Chana, Naava Grey, Kwesta, Liquideep, Fally Ipupa, Redsan, Takeifa, Souadou, Ousmane, Ba’ponga and a range of other stars across the Diamond Fields (Hip-Hop and R&B), Thunder Valley (Rock and Pop) and Dance Village (EDM, Dubstep, etc) main stages.

“TribeOne Dinokeng continues to grow in stature with every announcement. Adding Nicki to an already incredible line up makes this a music experience no-one should miss. I personally can’t wait for September” says Sean Watson, Managing Director of Sony Music Entertainment Africa.

Minaj has earned numerous awards including seven BET AWARDS, four American Music Awards, one MTV European Music Award, Two American Music Awards, five Billboard Music Awards, and Billboard’s 2011 Rising Star award.

“This is is Nicki Minaj’s first time in Africa, let alone South Africa, and we are proud to be hosting a global megastar such as Nicki in our beautiful worldclass and dynamic city alongside stars from all over the world right here in Cullinan, Tshwane” says Tshwane City Manager Jason Ngobeni.

Ticketing information, hospitality packages, local and international travel packages, and accommodation options ensured to suit any pocket will be released in due course with the opportunity for fans to register for the early bird ticket sales discount currently in progress.

Official sponsors include: South African Tourism, Gauteng Tourism, Petra Diamonds and the Cullinan Diamond Mine.

Official TribeOne Dinokeng Global Media partners include: Metro FM, TRACE TV, Sound City Nigeria, Clouds Entertainment TV and Radio Tanzania, Capital FM Kenya, Media Nova Angola, Gabon Television, TeleAfrica, TV+, RTN, Urban FM, AfricaGroove, National Standard Media Group, Kiss 100, E Masters Entertainment, SanyuFM Uganda, NTV East Africa.

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Vodacom Durban July: Paledi Segapo

Men clothing designer, Paledi Segapo

Men clothing designer, Paledi Segapo

Durban – Whatever the occasion or ensemble, menswear designer Paledi Segapo firmly sticks to his fashion belief that “you should always be adorned in clothes that are in synch with your personality. Trying way too hard to emulate someone else’s fashion DNA can almost be like fashion suicide.”

The designer, entrepreneur, owner, and fashion columnist is enjoying his spot as one of this year’s eight Vodacom Durban July Invited Designers.

“Horseracing events are sophisticated, full of grandeur and are synonymous with fashion,” said the energetic Johannesburg designer. “It is for this reason that it is essential to be part of such an event filled with grandiose and style.”

Segapo has some magic up his sleeve for the high-end fashion. “Avoid fakes and rather opt for designer or bespoke choices.” And don’t forget to look down before you walk out, shoes can make or break your outfit.

“For an event of this nature, a true fashionista knows when to stay away from clothes that resemble those picked from a rail in a shop or clothes that scream costume,” expressed the daring designer.

This year’s “Big Screen” theme is a call back to the classic screen queens like Liz Taylor in Cleopatra or leading men like Robert De Niro in Casino.

“But please don’t think James Bond, the penguin look is so dull for horseracing events,” added Segapo.

Sagepo has carved a name for himself in the flashing lights of SA fashion since his genesis in 2007. His designs have a classic, modern, and provocative feel and in 2010 he established his own unique PALSE brand.

According to Segapo, fashion lovers wanting to beat the winter blues should pick colours like ox blood red, dark brown, beige and choose fabrics like velvet, tweed, tartan and milton.

Men trying to navigate their race day attire are in safe hands, just follow Segapo’s advice and you will be the star of the show.

The 2014 Vodacom Durban July will be staged at Greyville racecourse on Saturday 5 July 2014. More information can be found at http://www.vodacomdurbanjuly.co.za

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DJ Cleo Dumped His Father Like a Used Condom

DJ Cleo is busy gaining weight while his own dad can't even afford a loaf of brown bread

DJ Cleo is busy gaining weight while his own dad can’t even afford a loaf of brown bread

A loving father suffered to educate his boy. And the talented son became a millionaire. Then dumped his sick old father like a used condom!

“When I think of all the money I spent on his education, my heart bleeds. I’m heartbroken, because my rich son doesn’t give a rat’s arse about me!” said DJ Cleo’s dad, Samuel Monyepao (64).

His son is an award-winning producer, DJ and aspiring goalie. Samuel educated and supported him up to the age of 25, when the boy was still known as Tlou Cleopas Monyepao.

He brags about his achievements as DJ Cleo, while his one-legged diabetic dad lives in filth with nothing to eat.
When Sunday Sun visited Samuel in Bochum, Limpopo, he said: “The last time he was here he brought me a bucket of KFC. And this is the man who owns 10 houses in Joburg and more than a dozen cars.

“Tlou (DJ Cleo) never visited me in hospital after my right leg was cut off. If I call him, he tells me he is busy and gets angry when I ask to see my grandchildren.

“He knows the troubles I have – with no iron, heater or kettle, let alone enough food to eat,” said the suffering mkhulu.

Recently, DJ Cleo did a live broadcast from a Limpopo regional radio station. Samuel heard him on the show and had this to say: “He was talking about his soccer career and being a biker. I was really hurt when he didn’t even bother to set foot in my yard to see how I was doing.” 

A well-informed source said Cleo forgot about his dad after his parents’ marriage ended in Springs and Samuel moved back to Bochum.

A family member, who asked to remain anonymous, said: “Tlou never visited his dad in hospital and the last time he came to visit him he never even asked what happened to his dad’s missing leg. Samuel has diabetes and his leg had to be amputated.”

When called for comment, DJ Cleo didn’t want to talk. He just dropped the phone. And he never responded to SMSes the SunTeam sent him about his dad’s plight. – Sunday Sun

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Vodacom Durban July Invited Designers Thrive on Movie Theme

Durban – Eight of South Africa’s most celebrated designers pulled out all the stops to wow the excited crowds with their interpretation of this year’s Vodacom Durban July theme “The Big Screen” at the Vodacom Durban July Invited Designer showcase presented by LIPSY, LONDON.

The annual Vodacom Durban July fashion Experience is the highlight for any fashionista and audiences were dipped into a pool of classic cinema for the night.

The Vodacom Durban July Invited Designer Showcase followed a dazzling fashion show by the ten finalists for the Vodacom Durban July Young designer Award and the Vodacom Durban July Fashion Challenge.

Loved fashion designer Kathrin Kidger used old Hollywood glamour combined with the Rita Hayworths and Marilyn Monroes of this world as her outfit inspirations. “These glamorous icons were silver screen beauties and I decided to choose fabrics that were soft in colour and had some fringing.”

Paledi Segapo, one of the two Johannesburg designers in this year’s star-studded showcase, explained how; “Queen Elizabeth was my Big Screen inspiration. I used fabrics like brocades, Thai raw silk, and lace to capture the essence of Queen Elizabeth.”

Casey Jeanne wasn’t inspired by one particular movie but, “Took pieces of inspiration from Game of Thrones and Frozen.” The designer best known for her wonderful wedding creations used different shades of whites and embellished lace as some of the elements in her romantic designs.

The streets of Brooklyn and the underworld of the mafia was dashing designer’s Andre Martin’s Big Screen inspiration. “I tried to incorporate the street vibe into something more glamorous using fabrics like PU leather and tracksuit fabric.”

Iconic designer David Tlale chose his own story as the vision behind his African styled designs. “I based them on my fashion movie that I‘m releasing in November which is a snippet of the life of David Tlale in South Africa and taking the brand to the global market. I chose purple, the colour of royalty, which is what David Tlale stands for.”

“I knew immediately that Breakfast in Tiffany’s was my big screen inspiration!” explained Durban designer Vino Moodley. “I just love Aubrey Hepburn! I took the iconic pearl necklace and transformed it into another feature on the dress.”

Karen Monk Klijnstra chose a movie icon that spoke to her own quirky design style. “The movie Freda was my muse. The way she dressed and her fashion colour and texture, she was just perfect.”

Fashion lovers can catch a first-hand glimpse of these ensembles on the Action Stage at Greyville Racecourse at the Vodacom Durban July on July 5.
The 2014 Vodacom Durban July will be staged at Greyville racecourse on Saturday 5 July 2014. More information can be found at http://www.vodacomdurbanjuly.co.za

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X-Factor SA: Johannesburg Auditions

One of the world’s biggest and most successful singing competitions, The X Factor, is coming to South African TV screens from 6 September 2014.

Broadcast on SABC 1, the format created by media mogul Simon Cowell, has produced some of the biggest singing sensations today – from Leona Lewis, to One Direction.

The next stop for auditions will take place in Johannesburg, on Saturday 21st June and Sunday 22nd June. The auditions will take place at the The Pyramid Venue, with registration open from 8am and closing at 1pm on both days.

Aspirant contestants can go to xfactor.sabc1.co.za for entry details and online registrations.

Auditions are open to anyone who is over 16 and who is either singing solo or as part of a group. No bands are allowed and groups must have two or more singers.

For the South African winner a recording contract with Sony Music and R300 000.00 prize money awaits at the grand finale in Durban on December 13.

Online auditions for The X Factor have opened; with national location auditions underway.

The X Factor South Africa will be broadcast over 15 weeks – with seven pre recorded shows covering all the drama of the auditions, boot camp and home visits with eight live gala shows from Durban.

The X Factor South Africa is brought to you by SABC 1 in association with the KZN Department of Economic Development and Tourism, and produced by Rapid Blue who have successfully produced the format in West Africa.

The next stops for auditions:
– 25 June Nelspruit Mbombela Stadium
– 28 June Pietermaritzburg The Royal Show Grounds.

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Lesbian Dog Undergoes World’s First Ever Pet Sex Change

When Charlene Walker adopted her pug, Jazzy, from a local pug rescue, she was elated to be bringing home the newest addition to her family.

However, almost immediately after they arrived home, Charlene began to notice that there was something peculiar about her cuddly canine friend.

“Whenever we took Jazzy to the dog park she would only play with male dogs whereas she always attempted to mount other female dogs. At home, she was very despondent. She seemed to be trying to communicate something, but I just couldn’t understand what it was.”

That’s when Charlene chose to take Jazzy to Holistic Veterinary Solutions, in Long Beach, California.

Holistic Veterinary Solutions is known for being a state of the art veterinary practice, yet they have also gained a somewhat questionable reputation for administering rather unconventional treatments as well. Some of these services include acupuncture, massage, chakra cleansing and past-life healing for animals, along with several other scientifically unfounded therapeutic procedures.

Doctor Autumn Shale, who has been the head veterinarian at the practice since 2001, was the first to consult Charlene about Jazzy’s unique condition.

After an extensive examination which included a hypnotism session, it was determined that Jazzy had been suffering from gender dysphoria; Meaning, Jazzy was a male dog trapped in a female dog’s body.

“It all suddenly began to make sense”, Charlene told National Report, “Everything about Jazzy’s behavior indicated that this was a spot-on diagnosis. I immediately scheduled her sexual reassignment surgery for the following week.”

To our knowledge, Holistic Veterinary Solutions is currently the only veterinary practice to have carried out this complex and controversial procedure.

The clinic has come under fire recently for merging approved veterinary techniques with progressive, new age practices. Many find their methods to be unethical and have petitioned to the state veterinary board to have the facility shut down and their doctors banned from practicing any form of veterinary medicine in the future.

The clinic’s lead veterinarian had this to say in regards to her practice. “Animal sex reassignment is an essential service. Before it was available, many pets had to suffer through life as the incorrect gender. We are proud to offer these cutting-edge advantages to our clients, which promotes the ultimate in wellness and well-being for their pets. There is really no reason our fuzzy friends should not be comfortable in their own fur.”

As for the Pug formerly known as “Jazzy”, he now goes by the more gender-appropriate name of “Jake”. His owner Charlene reports that the miraculous transformation has been a complete success.

“You would have never guessed he spent the last two months healing from the extensive surgical procedures he’s had to undergo, on top of the hormone replacement therapy. He’s so happy and joyful now. It’s like he’s the dog he was meant to be all along.”

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Jub Jub Jail Sex Shock

JAILBIRD Jub Jub needed sex. So he made a plan to satisfy his powerful urge behind bars…

BUT WARDERS REPORTEDLY CAUGHT HIM GIVING HIS NYATSI A CORRECTIONAL SERVICE!

After the alleged bonk bust, inmate Molemo “Jub Jub” Maarohanye won’t be finding love so easily. Because authorities moved him from Joburg Prison, aka “Sun City” to the tougher Leeuwkop Correctional Centre!

The alleged incident took place about two weeks ago inside a Sun City office during an award ceremony. 

It’s alleged Jub Jub had a super-heated “sika lekhekhe” session with a female visitor. The mystery woman and Jub Jub couldn’t hold back their desire according to a prison official who spoke to Sunday Sun on condition of anonymity.

The source claimed: “The loud screams and raunchy sounds gave them away and they were caught in action.”

Another warder alleged that Jub Jub was supposed to entertain inmates and visitors. But he vanished before the performance.
 
A further insider claimed: “Later on there was an exchange of words between Jub Jub and the warder who caught him.”
 
An inmate, who is known to the People’s Paper, said: “Last Tuesday he was removed from his cell – kicking and screaming – and taken to Leeuwkop prison.”
 
He added: “Jub Jub gets preferential treatment. I’ve been cleaning in the offices of the prison but I’m still treated like an animal.”
 
A senior prison official said Jub Jub had it coming because he’d been enjoying too many privileges inside the prison.

“It’s not the first we hear of such incidents. I think top officials were pressurised to move him out because of reports about Jub Jub’s easy life inside,” he said.
 
Last week, the Department of Correctional Services’ Zodwa Mtsweni confirmed that on 21 May the Joburg Correctional Centre Medium C had an award ceremony at the centre’s courtyard to honour offenders who had achieved well academically.
 
“Offender Molemo Maarohanye was not scheduled to entertain the audience,” she told the People’s Paper.
 
Asked about Jub Jub’s move to Leeuwkop, Mtsweni stated: “The transfer of offender Molemo Maarohanye to Leeuwkop Maximum was part of an overcrowding management process.
 
“Therefore, it has no bearing on allegations that he was transferred due to an alleged incident,” she told Sunday Sun.

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BREAKING: ANC to Launch New Church Called ANCC

(PIC) Millions of ANC supporters will most likely join the ANC Church

(PIC) Millions of ANC supporters will most likely join the ANC Church

JOHANNESBURG – The late Dr. Nelson Mandela once uttered the idea of forming the world’s first political church, but following rife criticism by well respected men of the cloth, this idea went belly-up, indefinitely.

Today, six feet under and many full moons later, Tata’s ill-fated dream may soon be resuscitated. According to an ongoing investigation by the Sunday Time, very productive back-and-forth meetings have been [secretly] held between prominent leaders of the ANC and the National Council of Churches, the key agenda being the formation of a new political church affectionately named ANCC (or African National Congress Church).

The core objective of the ANCC, as furnished on its constitution, will be “to fulfill the spiritual needs of ANC’s staunch supporters while spreading the gospel through politics”. It is alleged that the new church will most likely be build in Soweto, with smaller satellite branches to mushroom across South Africa. The newly ordained priest and SABC boss, Hlaudi ‘Matricless’ Motsoeneng, is said to be the most likely candidate for the bishophood seat.

If that is not shocking enough, insiders claim that the next five years will see the birth of “Brand ANC”, which will ultimately steer the ANC from being just a political party, to being an “economic party” laced under a holding company.

“This is actually true. I can confirm that I have attended presentations where proposals ranging from having an ANC airline, ANC franchised restaurants and ANC department stores were pitched,” said an impeccable source within Luthuli House, who pleaded anonymity for fear of being reduced to a laughable portfolio like Pravin Gordhan.

The source added; “The ANCC will be the next big thing after ZCC. With our colors being black, green and gold, you will be forgiven for confusing our church attire for that of the ZCC.”

Another highly placed source claimed that following the DA/EFF television Ad furor, the ruling party even flirted with the egocentric idea of changing SABC to ANCBC (African National Congress Broadcasting Corporation), but the bulldozing concept was shot down by industry regulators, ICASA and BCCSA.

The ANC is no stranger to political lobbying in churches. In fact, a leaked financial audit dictates that almost thirty percent of the party’s recent voting campaign budget was spend on church campaigning, while the remaining percentage was blown on things like branding luxury cars, throwing lavish parties and paying prostitutes for “services rendered”.

When pressed for comment, ANC’s newly appointed spin doctor, Zizi Kodwa, said an official statement will only be released when the time is right, and once all loose ends have been tightened up, indicative that there’s some kernel of truth to the ANC church rumor.

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PHOTOS: Gays of Professional Soccer

…Ok, maybe these professional footballers are not gay (one can never be too sure these days), but roving lenses caught them in compromising positions that were so gay and funny, we just had to share!!!

Please note that this post is intended for adult users over the age of 18. Should you be underage, go to your room and study for your upcoming June exams, NOW!!!!

“Oooh sh*t Ronaldo, you blow sooo good…”

“How about a quicky during halftime? Do you spit or swallow?”

“Come on… Don’t be shy… Let me feel how big it is”

“I want you NOW!!! Let’s quickly go to the bathroom”

“Oooh babe! Faster faster… deeper deeper!!”

“Babe I’m coming… I’m coming… I’m coming… Aaaahhhh!!!”

“Come here you sexy thing. I love you sugar…”

“I’m about to put it in babe… Do you like it rough or gentle?”

“Shuuu babe that was good, I want another round”

(LEFT) “I’m happy to see you my love, I missed you!” (RIGHT) “Let’s go bro! Leave that slut”

“Relax babe… I’ll be gentle, I promise…”

“I can’t help it. I wanna kiss you sooo passionately!!!”

To keep up with our “too shocking to be true” articles, do follow us…

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AKA “Too Good” for a Toyota Corolla

South African music ace AKA was left fuming this weekend after the organisers of the grand opening of Chez Ntemba night club allegedly attempted to use a Toyota Corolla in transporting him to the venue in Kabulonga, Zambia.

Although the rapper stays in a modest open-plan flat next to the noisy Bree taxi rank, downtown Johannesburg, and doesn’t even drive a million dollar car himself, he was not shy to express his displeasure and lashed out at the organisers on twitter.

“We are in the business of image and branding… Don’t F*** my sh’t Up,” tweeted a seemingly agitated AKA.

The vehicle is one of Zambia’s most common automobiles & according to some unofficial statistics, two out of every five cars parked at a given spot is a Toyota Corolla and in most instances used as a Taxi.

The organisers of the show had by press time not responded to AKA’s twitter rant. – Mwebantu New Media

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Liquideep is Splitting! #PoorMichelle Calls it Quits!!!

Liquideep duo Ziyon Hamilton (left) and #PoorMichelle (right) at the Metro FM Music Awards

Liquideep duo Ziyon Hamilton (left) and #PoorMichelle (right) at the Metro FM Music Awards

The award-winning house duo consisting of Jonathan “Ziyon” Hamilton, who is a vocalist and #PoorMichelle, who is a DJ and producer, is on the verge of splitting.

According to Daily Sun, the duo shot to fame in 2009 with a hot single called Fairytale, which cemented them into the music scene as a household name. Last Saturday, Liquideep performed at Carnival City, Brakpan, without #PoorMichelle.

Daily Sun contacted #PoorMichelle (alias Thabo ‘Ryzor’ Shokgolo), who confirmed the split. 

“The whole issue came from my side. I know my decision wasn’t taken well by the band,” #PoorMichelle allegedly said. 

According to #PoorMichelle, it’s not a “split”, but rather a type of growth as he’s tired of being Ziyon’s shadow and will be busy on the production side of things.

“As you saw last weekend at the event, I wasn’t there. I pulled back because there couldn’t be a better time to leave Liquideep than the present. 

“There is no bad blood between Ziyon and I,” said #PoorMichelle. 

Daily Sun has learnt Ziyon will release his solo album, Audio Alchemy, in July this year.

Ziyon said: “With regards to Liquideep, we’re both taking different directions, both personally and career wise. 

“Naturally, this affects things moving forward. Though I do feel that there’s a lot of positive things that will come from this new endeavour.” – Daily Sun

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I’m Not HIV Positive – Says KO from Teargas

(Centre, in all white) KO's weight loss has got tongues wagging

SHOCKING: KO’s (centre, in all white) weight loss has gotten tongues wagging

It seems loosing weight in Mzansi is enough to start an unfounded HIV rumour. It was first DJ Sbu, followed by Somizi, then Mika Stefano who lost weight sooo drastically, he’s beginning to look like a melting candle, and Gesh Conco, who apparently vanished to the States to join New York au-pair of the year award winner in the diaper-changing category, Chichi Letsoalo.

Twitter has been in overdrive since the picture of Teargas members surfaced, with many speculating that rapper and Cashtime/Teargas superstar, KO, may be HIV positive.

If you look on Twitter, you’ll see that the terms “R Mashesha” “Teargas” and “Your HIV status” are trending and have been for a few days.

KO’s manager, Thabiso Khati, was quick to dismiss the rumours.

“KO gyms and cycles everyday, he used to be chunky but he’s now in good shape… He doesn’t drink or smoke or anything…

“In fact, KO is never shy to share his workout pictures on Twitter and Instagram and encourages living a healthy lifestyle. There’s no story here,” Thabiso allegedly told Zalebs.

To keep the rumour mill at bay, KO has promptly gone for a rapid HIV test which revealed, once and for all, that he’s in fact HIV negative. He has since posted evidence on all his social media pages for the world to see.

KO's HIV test results reveal that he's indeed negative

KO’s HIV test results reveal that he’s indeed negative

In the words of our editor-in-chief and seasoned philanthropist, Bassito Panache;

“There’s an African proverb which says; ‘Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt’. While you are busy diagnosing others, do you know your very own HIV status???”

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Miguel and French Montana to Perform at the 2014 MTV Africa Music Awards

DURBAN – African music and youth lifestyle brand MTV Base (DStv Channel 322) has revealed that hip hop hit-maker French Montana is to join the line-up for the 2014 MTV Africa Music Awards (MAMA).

The critically acclaimed hip hop star will be performing at the global celebration of African music, talent and youth culture, taking place on 7 June at the ICC in Durban, KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa.

The MTV Africa Music Awards is brought to you by KwaZulu-Natal Province in association with Absolut & The City of Durban. South Africa Tourism is also a key partner for the MAMA.

French Montana joins the star-studded line-up of previously announced African artists, including Miguel, Davido, Mafikizolo, Uhuru, Flavour, Oskido and Tiwa Savage, in the stunning music event and live telecast that will be broadcast around the world on MTV, MTV Base, BET International and affiliate stations.

Commented Alex Okosi, Senior Vice President & Managing Director, Viacom International Media Networks Africa, “We are thrilled that French Montana will be joining Miguel and Africa’s most exciting contemporary artists in KwaZulu-Natal in June for the MTV Africa Music Awards. MAMA 2014 is on track to be the most exciting music awards ceremony ever staged on the African continent.”

Celebrating musicians and achievers who have made the most impact on African youth culture throughout the year, MAMA 2014 takes place at the ICC, Durban, South Africa on Saturday 7 June. For the first time ever, the awards is premiering LIVE across Africa on MTV Base (DStv Channel 322) and MTV (DStv Channel 130) at 21:00 CAT.

The 2014 MAMA is set to feature stunning performances from African and international artists, including the awards’ signature collaborations between artists of different genres and cultures – a high point of every show. The show will be amplified on radio by media partners Gagasi FM, Yfm and Capricorn FM.

Nominees from the length and breadth of sub-Saharan Africa are represented in the nominations for this year’s music categories, including 2Face, AKA, Amani, Amr Singh, Anselmo Ralph, Arielle T, Beatenberg, Big Nuz, Burna Boy, Chidinma, Clarence Peters, Danny K, Davido, Diamond, DJ Buckz, DJ Clock, DJ C’ndo, DJ Ganyani, DJ Kent, The Arrows, Donald, Don Jazzy, Dr Malinga, Dr Sid, Efya, Espoir 2000, Fally Ipupa, FB, Ferre Gola, Flavour, Fuse ODG, Gangs of Ballet, Goldfish, Heavy K, Ice Prince, JD, KCEE, Khuli Chana, Kyle Lewis, LCNVL, Lizha James, Mafikizolo, Matthew Mole, May D, Mi Casa, Michael Lowman, Nakhane Toure, Nelson Freitas, Olamide, Oskido, P Square, Professor, The Parlotones, Phyno, Radio and Weasel, R2bees, Sarkodie, Sauti Sol, Shortstraw, Stanley Enow, Tiwa Savage, Toofan, Uhuru, Wizkid, Youssoupha, Yuri Da Cunha and Zakes Bantwini.

In this year’s newly introduced lifestyle award categories, Chimamanda Adiche, Omotola Jalade Ekeinde, Trevor Noah, Lupita Nyong’o and Yaya Toure are nominated for Personality of the Year. Clarence Peters, Leti Arts, Rasty and Anisa Mpungwe are nominated in Transform Today by Absolut.

The nominees for the MTV Base Leadership award and Best International are still to be revealed.

With hundreds of thousands of votes already cast, public voting for 2014 MTV Africa Music Awards continues online at http://www.mtvbase.com until midnight on 4 June 2014. The winners of the MTV Base Leadership Award and Best Video are chosen exclusively by MTV Base. Voting for Song of the Year continues up until the show on 7 June.

Tickets for the 2014 MTV Africa Music Awards KwaZulu-Natal are on sale at http://www.computicket.com, on 0861 915 8000 and at Computicket retail outlets. Seated tickets cost R450 (incl. VAT) while general access (standing) tickets are R200 (incl. VAT).

For more information on the MTV Africa Music Awards KwaZulu-Natal supported by Absolut & The City of Durban, please go http://www.mtvbase.com.

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Are You An Upcoming Artist Ready To PR Your Brand?

We understand how frustrating it must be trying to get your name out there and having to rely on social networks to do so.

No matter the amount of likes and retweets you receive, your brand is still going nowhere slowly, which tends to knock your confidence down and drives you to start questioning your talent.

The harsh reality is; until you rise to Khuli Chana, AKA or even Black Coffee’s level of stardom, mainstream media will always give more attention to established artists, no matter the amount of press releases you flood on journalists mailboxes. Simply put, mainstream media is a numbers game – no publication, TV or radio show will risk their stats on a total unknown.

But do not despair nor give up yet!!

We are very excited to announce Featured Artist, a new category our tongue-wagging blog has created with you in mind. This category will profile your talent to over a million of our digital audience, some of whom are TV and radio producers, journalists, and music stable executives. Who knows what may happen post reading an article about YOU?

Let us propel your name to a state of visibility and Google’ability. Feel free to talk to us about that compelling article you want us to publish about YOU!

All related questions can be directed to info@lifestyletabloids.co.za.

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Some of Orlando Pirates Players are Gay – Admits Coach

Following a social media uproar over a naked picture of Orlando Pirates players [alias Orlando Queers] taken moments after their Nedbank Cup victory, coach Vladimir Vermezovic has jokingly urged soccer fans to “keep calm and come out of the closet”.

The frenzy comes amid wide-spread rumors of four Orlando Pirates players coming out as gay, substantiated by damning Instagram pictures of the players touching, cuddling and posing in a manner strictly forbidden by the Leviticus scripture.

“I do acknowledge that some of my players have disclosed to being gay, but this is a private matter which should be treated with the kind of sensitivity it deserves. What my players do behind closed doors is none of my business, as long as they perform on the field,” coach Vermezovic told a Soccer Ladumo journalist.

Although Vermezovic bluntly refused to “name-and-shame” who his gay players where, he admitted that homosexual acts amongst football peers was a norm in camp.

Mamelodi Sundowns coach, Pitso Mosimane, shared the same sentiments, but asserts that this is a “closely guarded secret” in professional football.

With U.S President Barack Obama endorsing and congratulating actors, wrestlers, singers and basketball players currently coming out as gay in America, the same cannot be said in South Africa. However, it is very applaudable and exciting to see that the gay stigma is slowly shifting away.

In the words of our editor-in-chief and seasoned philanthropist, Bassito Panache;

“Sometimes what we hate in others is what we hate in ourselves. Homophobes are often those battling to accept their own homosexuality. Living a lie is not living at all.”

For the latest in “too-shocking-to-be-true” news, do follow us

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DStv Delicious Festival

English celebrity chef Rachel Khoo will be cooking up a storm alongside local favourites Jenny Morris and Siba Mtongana at the DStv Delicious International Food and Music Festival, which is set to sizzle at Emmarentia Dam on 31 May 2014.

A smorgasbord of gourmet delights – including cooking demonstrations, pop-up restaurants and an artisan food market – awaits Joburg residents at this family-friendly outdoor lifestyle event, presented in association with Castle Milk Stout, Nedbank, Whirlpool, Mitsubishi Motors and Kaya FM.

For the first time, the DStv Delicious International Food & Music Festival plays proud host to the MasterChef South Africa Kitchen, in association with Woolworths. This will form the perfect appetiser to the third season of this popular reality cooking series, to be broadcast on M-Net later in the year.

The 100 seater pop up restaurant will be headed up by chef Benny Masekwameng and a number of our favourite past contestants including Kamini Pather. The menu will comprise a number of our favourite dishes from past series and a three course meal will cost R550 per person.

Leading British music acts the Brand New Heavies, Soul II Soul and Incognito are also on the menu at this daylong feast of food and music, aimed at those with a sense of adventure and a passion for the tastier side of life.

Explains Colleen Goodman, Head of Retention Marketing for DStv: “We understand that on some days you may feel like something rustic, fresh and simple and on others crave a cheeseburger and fries followed by a scoop of indulgent ice-cream.

“The festival will provide gourmet food shopping as well as Michelin dining, staying true to DStv’s promise of giving you so much more than you expect.”

In addition, Food Network will be present with cooking demonstrations from local foodie favourites and TV presenters Jenny Morris and Siba Mtongana in ‘Food Network Cooks Delicious’.

Come through for the chance to sample some of the dishes from Siba’s Table and Jenny Morris Cooks the Riviera, and also rub shoulders with TV personality Denvor Phokaners as he hosts a cook-off competition. Inspired by Chopped and judged by Jenny and Siba, subscribers can enter online to win a place in the mystery basket cook off.

The associate festival partner, Castle Milk Stout, will be creating rich moments to be savoured, offering festival-goers the opportunity to be hosted by the renowned Vicky Crease (Vicky Crease catering & events) who will guide them through a four-course beer and food pairing experience.

In keeping with the family theme, there will be a Boomerang-themed play area for the kids, plus live shows throughout the day.

Gates open at 11am. General admission for the DStv Delicious Festival is R450, Delicious Lounge pass tickets: R850 – Includes Tented lounge, viewing deck of main stage, private cash bar, golden circle entrance, secure parking and VIP bathrooms.

DStv Delicious Luxury Lounge hospitality packages are available at R2900 each. R100 for under-12s; free entrance for children under three. Visit www.computicket.com or phone 0861 915 8000 to book.

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Wedding Bells for Vusi Nova and Gay Lover

A journey to musical success has been a hard one for Eastern Cape born nightingale Vusi Nova, and now that the planets have finally lined up for him, he is ready to scratch his name off the bachelors list.

The Vusi Nova and Joseph Safra rumor mill has been churning for months now. This time, it is alleged that the two secret lovebirds are planning the mother of all gay weddings to formalise their ten-year-old vat-en-sit romance. The wedding will allegedly take place later this year in the Island of Comoros.

In keeping up with traditional values, it is alleged that Vusi Nova’s family have requested Safra to pay lobola for their famous I’d-Rather-Go-Blind “daughter” and negotiations are already underway.

According to Sunday World, Joseph Safra is an alleged conman claiming to be the son of a Brazilian banker who is the 46th-richest man in the world with a net worth of over R160-billion on the Forbes richest list.

Safra has allegedly scammed a number of people in the past by making them pay a fee after promising them work in his company, Safra SA Investments.

They would allegedly be offered jobs with packages of up to R65000 per month. The jobs apparently came with fancy company cars.

The prospective employees were allegedly made to pay 10% of the vehicle’s purchase price as part of the agreement. But after paying, they were left jobless and out of pocket.

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SHOCKING: Gay People Allowed To Participate In The Zulu Reed Dance Ceremony

Durban – In a quest to send a very strong message against homophobia and cultural exclusion on the basis of sexual orientation, a resolution has been passed by the South African national assembly allowing gay people to participate in the annual Zulu reed dance.

This controversial move, which is bound to make Shaka Zulu turn in his grave, has been surprisingly welcomed by “reformed homophobe” King Goodwill Zwelithini as his way of extending an olive branch to the gay community at large.

“A lot of uneducated opinions where expressed on what makes a person istabane (gay)… But seeing that there is no concrete evidence on what makes a person straight either, the monarchy has concluded that both sexual orientations are unexplainable acts of nature,” the honorable Zwelithini told reporters.

King Goodwill Zwelithini added that this decision was very important in ensuring abstinence until marriage, ultimately capping the alarming rate of HIV infections within the gay community.

Although the Zulu king is still unclear on how virginity testing will be conducted on gay men, he assumes it will be done “from the back”.

South Africa, which boasts one of the most liberal constitutions in the world, passed a law allowing same-sex couples to legally marry in 2006. South Africa is the fifth country, the first (and only) in Africa, the first in the southern hemisphere, and the second outside Europe to legalise same-sex marriage.

Iko Mash, a celebrity drag queen and makeup artist, said s/he will be participating in the reed dance.

“Although I shave my manly face everyday and have very strong jaw-lines, big feet, and need to “tuck-it-in” most of the time – I look in the mirror and see a beautiful black woman. In fact, I’m often confused for a Nigerian woman, especially in Lagos,” joked Iko Mash.

“I have been saving myself for the right man and many believe I’m lying like Kelly Khumalo. Going for virginity testing will prove that, and hopefully the right guy will come my way,” Iko added.

Iko Mash says s/he hopes that Swaziland will follow suit in allowing drag queens to participate in the reed dance. This, s/he added, will bring her closer to realising her ultimate dream of being a real queen.

Should Swaziland allow this highly unlikely dream, Iko is adamant that s/he will be amongst thousands of “women” picked by King Mswati for a hand in marriage, and the two will live happily ever after in their Lozitha royal palace in Mbabane, Swaziland.

In South Africa, the ceremony Umkhosi woMhlanga takes place every year in September, at the Enyokeni Royal Palace in Nongoma, KwaZulu Natal. The girls come from all parts of Zululand, and in recent years there are also smaller groups from Swaziland, as well as more distant places such as Botswana and Pondoland.

All girls are required to undergo a virginity test before they are allowed to participate in a royal dance, though in recent years the testing practice has been met with some opposition.

The girls wear traditional attire, including beadwork, and ‘izigege’ and ‘izinculuba’ that show their bottoms. They also wear anklets, bracelets, necklaces, and colourful sashes. Each sash has appendages of a different colour, which denote whether or not the girl is betrothed.

As part of the ceremony, the young women dance bare-breasted for their king, and each carries a long reed, which is then deposited as they approach the king. The girls take care to choose only the longest and strongest reeds, and then carry them towering above their heads in a slow procession, up the hill to the palace.

The procession is led by the chief Zulu princess, who takes a prominent role throughout the festival. If the reed should break before the girl reaches that point, it is considered to signal that the girl has already been sexually active.

The ceremony was reintroduced by King Goodwill Zwelethiniin 1991, as a means to encourage young Zulu girls to delay sexual activity until marriage, and thus limiting the possibility of HIV transmission. In 2007, about 30,000 girls took part in the event.

The organisers of the ceremony have occasionally enforced strict rules on photographers, as some of them have been accused of publishing the pictures on pornographic websites.

In past years, the event was attended by the President of South Africa, Jacob Zuma, and then Premier of KwaZulu Natal, Zweli Mkhize.

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BREAKING NEWS: National Police Commissioner Suspended For Being Born A Man

(PIC) SA national police commissioner, Bra Victor Phiyega

(PIC) SA national police commissioner, Bra Victor Phiyega

She was born in Polokwane, a city housed in a province which has eighty percent of their women looking like men. So when she was introduced as the new National Police Commissioner by President Jacob Zuma, South Africans didn’t pay much attention to her [rather masculine] appearance. She was from Limpopo, after all.

But according to a newspaper report published this afternoon, Riah Phiyega has been [secretly] put on special leave pending an investigation about her true gender. It has emerged that she was actually born a man.

“The national police commissioner was born a Victor Phiyega, not a Victoria Riah Phiyega as she claims,” the newspaper article read in part.

The article breathlessly described Phiyega’s childhood as a little boy who loved playing “skotch” barefooted in the dusty streets of Polokwane, along with damning quotes from Phiyega’s alleged childhood friends who confirmed the worst; she was once a he.

Questions around Phiyega’s true gender has been whispered across SAPS corridors, with many calling her “the Castor Semenya of politics”.

Although a statement issued by Riah Phiyega’s office did not confirm nor deny her suspension, they have undermined the credibility of the allegations.

“South Africans, particularly black women, still have a long way to go in embracing who they are… If you are not light enough, or prefer your hair short and natural, and don’t like wearing makeup, you are therefore given all kinds of derogatory names.

“We pray for the day when women will wake up and realise that beauty cannot sustain them. With her dark skin and short natural hair, Victoria Riah Phiyega defied her poor background to become one of the world’s most educated and powerful women. She is Africa’s very first female national police commissioner – a level most of her Barbie-doll critics will never achieve in this lifetime,” read the strong-worded statement.

Riah Phiyega received a BA degree in Social Work from the University of the North, a BA Hons degree in Social Sciences from Unisa, an MA degree in Social Sciences from the University of Johannesburg and a postgraduate diploma in Business Administration from the University of Wales in Cardiff.

She was a Group Executive at Absa Bank Limited, a board member of Absa Actuaries and trustee of the Absa Foundation. She was also a Group Executive at Transnet and served on numerous Transnet subsidiaries.

Phiyega was part of a team of senior executives who were responsible for the restructuring of the old Portnet into two major separate entities: Port Operations and Port Authority.

Subsequent to the above restructuring, she became part of the Executive of the National Ports Authority of South Africa. She served as Director for Development at the National Council for Child Welfare. She spent a few years at the Chamber of Mines as an employee well-being consultant.

Prior to joining the South African Police Service, she was appointed as Chairperson of the Presidential State-Owned Enterprise Review Committee. The Committee was tasked with the responsibility of reviewing State-Owned Entities and to make recommendations for their future repositioning.

Phiyega was the Vice Chairperson for the Independent Commission for Remuneration of Public Office Bearers.

She chaired the Road Traffic Management Corporation Investigation Task Team which looked into maladministration, corruption and poor corporate governance. The task team made major intervention and restructuring recommendations to the Minister of Transport, assisting to improve the corporation.

Phiyega has served in other significant national structures, which included serving as a board member of the 2010 Bid Committee that managed the hosting of the 2010 FIFA World Cup by South Africa and as commissioner for the Road Accident Fund Commission led by Judge Satchwell and grandmother.

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This Year’s Vodacom Durban July Theme

Durban – The bright lights of showbiz are beckoning at this year’s Vodacom Durban July.

Following the announcement of the 2014 fashion theme “The Big Screen” some of the country’s most iconic designers are gathering movie-themed fashion inspiration from all over the globe, and are predicting to fashionistas and race-goers that July 5 will be a day filled with movie magic and sophisticated glamour with Bollywood, Hollywood and Nollywood as the underlying themes.

Popular Durban designer Kathrin Kidger envisions “The Big Screen” theme to be very much about an innate sense of glamour. “The three things that continuously shine through are Hollywood, Bollywood and Nollywood. This year we can expect to see garments that are inspired by film stars of the past and present,” said Kidger.

“Bollywood is also trending right now and I expect to see a lot of woman in traditional dress,” she added. Durban designer Bianca Warren also forecasts the Hollywood trend running through the threads, “It’s about old school Hollywood glam. Style, sophistication and timeless elegant red carpet wear,” said Warren.

Classic colours are key for the young designer and Warren suggests choosing formal long evening gowns in dark maroons champagnes, greys, navy and blacks. “Opulence, lux and lavish!” sums up what established designer Casey Jeanne imagines when she thinks of “The Big Screen”.

“Think exceptionally sophisticated with a focus on superior detailing and finishes.” Casey recommends race-goers invest in longer hems, dramatic silhouettes, intricate details, superior fabrics and of course, Hollywood glamour.

But be wary not to take the theme too far, says Tiffany Prior, Fashion Programme Director of the Vodacom Durban July. The style guru warns not to come dressed as a movie character but to rather subtly interpret the theme.“Research and interpret what you love about a certain character, movie, or era of movies. It should then be very easy to dress appropriately for race day,” said Prior.

The 2014 Vodacom Durban July will be staged at Greyville racecourse on Saturday 5 July 2014. More information can be found at http://www.vodacomdurbanjuly.co.za.

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Somizi’s Lover Attempts Suicide

(PIC) Africa's grandmother of gays, Somizi Mhlongo. He was born the same year as Abigail Kubeka

(PIC) Africa’s grandmother of gays, Somizi Mhlongo. He was born the same year as Abigail Kubeka

NOTHING lasts forever – not even great love…

And when Somizi Mhlongo’s relationship went up in smoke after four years, he dumped his boyfriend.

But grief nearly turned to tragedy when the broken-hearted Themba allegedly swallowed a whole bottle of pills to end the beating of his sad heart for evermore!

The People’s Paper understands that Themba (24) was emotionally destroyed to learn that his gay lover’s passion for him had finally cooled. He slumped into a deep depression.

So he decided to bring his life to an abrupt halt by giving his system a huge dose of mixed pills. Sunday Sun insiders said Themba tried to commit suicide and die for love in Somizi’s penthouse, downtown Jozi.

One source said: “The problem started because Themba was a double adapter! He was also dating a woman and had decided to go back to her. 

“Somizi didn’t take the rejection kindly but things returned back to normal for a while. 

“The pair went on a luxurious trip to Durban in December. But things then started to fall apart again when they came back,” said the source. 

The insider added: “Themba felt rejected because Somizi was too busy with work and his BFF Bonang. 

“So he took a bunch of pills and drank it. We’re not sure if he was trying to kill himself – or if he simply wanted Somizi’s attention.”

Another source said Somizi didn’t have time and suggested that Themba should go back to Durban. 

“That’s when we knew it was the end of the affair. Themba went back to Durban but the problem is that his family didn’t welcome him with open arms,” said the source. 

Sunday Sun has learnt that Themba is currently staying with friends in Durban. A close friend in Durban said that Themba’s mum has always been against the relationship.

“She used to call Somizi and ask him to stay away from her son,” said the friend.

When Sunday Sun contacted Somizi, he said: “Yes, I have a boyfriend named Themba. I cannot comment on what you’re asking me. For more information you should go back to your source,” he said. 

Last week a reluctant Themba said:  “I’m not interested in what you are saying. I need to think long and hard before I can give you my answers.” – Sunday Sun

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Andile Ncube Officially Marries a “Recovering” Lesbian

(PIC) The gorgeous Ayanda Thabethe and hubby, Andile Ncube

(PIC) The gorgeous Ayanda Thabethe and hubby, Andile Ncube

One is a drop dead gorgeous “never-was” TV presenter who had a lesbian love affair with Boom Shaka’s Theo Nhlengethwa. Another is SABC sport presenter who is rumored to occasionally seek comfort in the arms of other men. Talk about a match made in heaven!!!

According to Sunday Sun, Andile Ncube is now legally off the bachelor list! The former Live presenter tied the knot with his model girlfriend, Ayanda Thabethe.

The two walked down the aisle yesterday in a community hall at Kempton Park, Joburg. The “not-so-lavish” wedding was attended by close friends and family.

Two days before the wedding, Andile tweeted to Ayanda: “It’s raining!!! @AyandaThabethe I hope ubungadleli ebhodweni,” meaning he hopes Ayanda was not eating from a pot.

It is a belief among blacks in Mzansi that if a bride-to-be eats from a pot, it will rain on her wedding day. 

A source said guests were asked not to tweet or post pictures of the wedding. “Ayanda enjoys being at home and does not like being in the media. They are very private,” the source said. 

The couple had a traditional wedding in Durban. – Sunday Sun

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DJ Warras and Tumi Voster Joins 5FM

DJ Warras, aka The Shady Lurker, has been fast–tracking his way into the hearts and homes of the public through his phenomenal boost in media exposure recently.

Fresh, witty, honest and sporting the hottest record case in the dance business, this DJ recently made the bold move to one of the country’s most prolific youth radio stations – 5FM.

With his long-standing co-host, Tumi Voster in tow, the two-some recently left YFM’s drive time to collectively fill in the 7-10pm slot on 5FM. The result is their energetic new show called The5thElement.

Tumi, a passionate young star in her own right, has been presenting alongside Warras for six years and the two have a quirky, firmly established relationship that brings out the best in each other on air.

Tim Zunckel, 5fm programme manager, had this to say about the new edition, “We are very excited, the 5FM brand always attracts top personalities who want to work on the biggest youth platform in the country. This is a perfect time for Warras to join and this will have the ability to take his career to the next level”.

Apart from his radio career, Warras is still hard at work presenting SABC1’s magazine show LiveAMP, as well as throwing events and parties around the country on a continual basis.

Already having been highly exposed in fashion and entertainment media, Warras has added several accolades to his CV, including being featured in the Cosmopolitan Sexiest Man calendar in 2012.

As a Dj, Warras sets himself above the rest with his ability to relate to any market. Together with his passion for music and people, his absolute drive to deliver the best has seen him catapult to household name status in a few short years.

Listen out for the initial broadcast of The5thElement on 5FM on the 5th May 2014.

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Cam and Thoba’s Public Gay Marriage Ends In Blood

(PIC) A once-married gay couple that left Africans in shock. It’s still unbeknown who’s the “man”

WHAT started out as love ended up in blood and tears! When Tshepo Sithole-Modisane and Thobajobe “Thoba” Sithole-Modisane tied the knot in KwaZulu-Natal last year it was all over the news.

But hardly a year after their wedding, the couple have split. After a big blow-up last month one of them moved out of the house. According to court  papers, Thoba assaulted Tshepo in their matrimonial house in Buccleuch, Joburg. 

Tshepo said in a statement that he arrived home on 27 March and Thoba started beating him up.

Said Tshepo: “He punched me in the mouth. He also bit my right thumb. The neighbours came to help me. I then went to the police and reported the matter. I opened a case of domestic violence.”

Tshepo further told the cops that after opening the case, he went to hospital. But it wasn’t the first time Thoba subjected him to brutal assault.

“In February 2013, he punched me. It happened again in June/July 2013. He hit me and smashed my head against the wall. I had to go to hospital.”  Tshepo said his head was stapled and he also sustained injuries to his mouth.

Tshepo said: “Thoba promised to change his ways but keeps abusing me.”

Despite opening a criminal case against Thoba, Tshepo also obtained a protection order against him. Tshepo wants the court to order Thoba to pay rent of R3 250 a month and also buy groceries. Thoba’s phone rang  unanswered this week. – Sunday Sun

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DA Announces Upgrade to Helen Zille’s House

The Democratic Alliance is thrilled to announce that the Western Cape Government will pay for a multi-million rand upgrade of Helen Zille’s private home in Rosebank, Cape Town.

Following the recent trend of public money being used for upgrades to private residences, Ms Zille is excited to see what this upgrade will do to the value of her family home, which is to be renamed ‘Amandla’.

The initial upgrade is planned for about R20 million, but according to Western Cape Finance Minister, Alan Winde, “everyone knows that these things often run way over budget, so the Western Cape Government has set aside R246 million for inevitable cost overruns”.

This project will include many of the latest “security features” to protect Ms Zille. The full details of the upgrade are classified, but the Project Manager for the upgrade, Mr Tell Us Nxesi, is able to confirm that Zille’s new home will include a “decontamination Jacuzzi”, a “security surveillance theatre”, an “underground safety gym”, and an “emergency helipad that will also serve as a tennis court”.

When quizzed about whether she thought the upgrades were defensible, Ms Zille responded: “I didn’t ask for these upgrades. I am the Premier, sure, but I don’t get involved in any actual decisions. I just work here.”

When asked how this upgrade would be paid for, given the other pressing social needs in the country, Mr Winde said “It doesn’t matter. The money must be found. We will make a plan. I mean, come on – this is for Helen!”

Mr Winde has said further that he was considering the “introduction of e-tolls in the Western Cape”. In an unguarded moment, he went on to say “we will obviously tell people that their money is being used to upgrade the roads and stuff”.

The ANC has responded to this news with outrage. ANC spokesperson Mr Jack Daniels Mthembu said that “there can only be one Number One. The DA thinks it can behave like a real government. But Zille is racist – we built Zuma’s palace in the rural areas where development is needed. The DA is building their palace in the city. We will be reporting this matter to the Public Protector for investigation”. – Banana Newsline

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**Article originally posted on Banana Newsline**

Happy 1st Birthday Lifestyle Tabloids!!!

Today officially marks 1 year since the inception of our [controversial] blog, and little did we know President Jacob Zuma would be amongst our loyal readers.

Before we knew it, Helen Zille followed suit, promptly followed by other prominent political figures across the globe, including Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe and Ugandan president Yoweri Museveni. How we know this? They all threatened to sue “our pants off” for publishing satirical pieces about them!!

We have been dubbed Africa’s most powerful blog by virtue of attracting international readership from those occupying the seat of power [both in the corporate and government arena].

After all that has been said and done, the cross-continental viral posts, the drama, emotions and legal threats – America knows we exist! Europe knows we exist! Australia knows we exist! And the rest of Africa certainly knows we exist!

A year and millions of hits later – we sincerely thank YOU for your support!!!

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“I think Teko Modise Is Gay,” Says Ex-Fiancee Lizelle Tabane

(PIC) Teko Modise and ex-fiancee, Lizelle Tabane

(PIC) Teko Modise and ex-fiancee, Lizelle Tabane

MAMELODI Sundowns midfielder Teko Modise rediscovered his form on the field – but lost it between the sheets, so says ex-fiancee Lizelle Tabane.

She has dumped him like a used condom. Lizelle said Teko was not even doing his manly duties! She told the People’s Paper: “He always slept with his clothes on. And always passed out before doing anything. “At some point I even thought he was gay – because he cared more about his unemployed friends than his fiancee.” 

So the gatvol Lizelle packed her belongings and left Teko high and dry. Speaking to Sunday Sun, Lizelle said she left Teko’s house two weeks ago. She’s back with her parents in Pretoria.

In a frank interview with Sunday Sun, Lizelle said: “I’m done with him! I can’t pretend any more. I’m not staying in a place where I’m unhappy. 

“He kept chasing other girls – while he was committed to me. I don’t remember how many times we fought over this but he kept on doing the same thing.” 

She claimed: “He always came home from parties and strip clubs at 5am – after he got his form back. “I did everything a woman could to save our relationship. I treated him well but he repaid me with disrespect.”

Two weeks back, Lizelle was spotted at a top nightspot in Rosebank, Joburg – without her ring.

“I’ll never wear that ring because I’m no longer engaged. I never asked him to propose. “So I’ll just keep it as a gift to remind myself that I was once engaged,” she said. 

Lizelle made a commitment to Sunday Sun that she will never date anyone who is a public figure again. “I’m tired of these guys. They use a beautiful girl so they can attract more beautiful girls,” she said. 

Lizelle added: “He even asked me to have a baby with him but I said no. I couldn’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t take care of his own kids.” 

Lizelle said Teko’s family also dumped him. “His mum doesn’t want to be involved in his problems anymore. He doesn’t listen!” 

Teko’s manager Jazzman Mahlakgane, said: “I don’t manage Teko’s social life. Ask me about his performance on the soccer field.” When we called him Teko refused to comment. – Sunday Sun

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Tickets Go On Sale For The South African Music Awards (SAMA 20)

South African music lovers have the opportunity to experience all the glamour and drama of the 20th Annual South African Music Awards first-hand at the Sun City Superbowl on Monday, 28 April 2014.

Tickets are now on sale for the hotly contested main awards, which start at 20h30 on the public holiday that follows Freedom Day. Members of the public will be able to rub shoulders with all their favourite local music stars, take in a number of electrifying live performances and generally be part of all the SAMA 20 buzz, gossip and excitement on the night.

With the 20th edition of SAMA coinciding with the 20th anniversary of South Africa’s democracy, guests can expect a showstopper of an event that’s truly memorable. Booking is now open at Computicket.

Tickets in the public gallery are available at R355, with golden circle tickets priced at R435. A limited number of VIP passes for the awards ceremony, including pre-event drinks, are on sale at R620 per person. For those who wish to party up a storm after the awards ceremony draws to a close, tickets for the official Amstel after-party are available at R480 each.

For those who are unable to attend the awards, the SAMA 20 ceremony will be broadcast live on SABC1 from 20h30 on Monday, 28 April 2014.

The 20th South African Music Awards are organised by the Recording Industry of South Africa (RISA), and made possible with the generous support of official vehicle sponsor Kia Motors, official broadcast sponsor SABC1, event sponsor Sun International and Amstel Lager.

Come April the 28th, Sun City will definitely be the place to be for Mzansi’s finest to step out in their glad rags – so don’t miss out!

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Pistorious Lied To The Media: Report

(PIC) Murder accused paralympian Oscar Pistorius with his late girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp

(PIC) Murder accused paralympian Oscar Pistorius with his late girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp

Cape Town – After a harrowing week in court and being cross-examined in the dock, Oscar Pistorius has now also been accused of lying to the public by the Sunday Times newspaper.

According to the newspaper, Pistorius, who was desperate to protect his public image and his lucrative sponsorship deals, lied to cover up an assault in December 2012 and also lied about his relationship in January last year with Reeva Steenkamp.

The newspaper reports that exactly one month before he shot Steenkamp, he said in an interview that he was not ready for anything serious. However, it emerged in court this week that he had, at the time, been in a serious relationship with Steenkamp.

Meanwhile, around the same time a Sunday Times reporter was tipped off about an alleged assault involving Pistorius. Both Pistorius and Steenkamp denied that such an incident ever took place.

However, in court this week it emerged that Pistorius had in fact been involved in a brawl at a function in Kyalami. He had to get medical attention at Morningside Clinic following the incident.

At the time, Steenkamp also denied the incident and asked the journalist not to run with the story as it would ruin Pistorius’ image. The athlete’s sponsorship deals at the time were worth millions of rands and included contracts with international brands such as Nike and Oakley. – News24

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Julius Malema Trust Launched To Settle His SARS Bill

Johannesburg – A trust was launched on Wednesday to collect funds to settle EFF leader Julius Malema’s R16m SA Revenue Service (Sars) bill.

“The main motivation for the establishment of this entity is to settle the alleged tax bill that Julius Malema was recently slapped with… by Sars,” trust chairperson Mandisa Mashego said.

Mashego and four other trustees launched the trust, referred to as the JSM Trust, in Johannesburg.

The five trustees are all members of the Economic Freedom Fighters.
“Although we are EFF members, we are also independent individuals who have a right to participate in the activities of the country,” said Mashego.

The trust was formed in consultation with a team of professionals including qualified attorneys, accountants and tax practioners, who offered their services to the trust free of charge.

“This team… have [sic] been instrumental in providing trustees with the necessary direction and advice to ensure smooth management of all matters of the JSM Trust,” said Mashego.

She said the trust was set up to protect Malema and other individuals who were abused by the state, as they believed the Sars bill was being used as a mechanism to keep Malema out of the political arena.

“We are of the firm view that the case brought against Mr Malema has absolutely nothing to do with the allegation of him owing Sars taxes,” said Mashego.

“Instead, we are convinced that the real intention of these actions is to frustrate, silence and suspend the political activities of Malema, so that he is unable to claim his rightfully deserved place in participating in the political landscape of South Africa.” She said Sars first presented Malema with a bill of R4m in outstanding taxes, but that the amount escalated to R16m.

“Without any rational explanation or fair calculation… Sars went as far as escalating their initial bill from R4m to a whopping R16m,” said Mashego. The fund planned to collect the R16m by the end of April.

Mashego said the trust would run live from midnight on Wednesday. “We will collect money from the millions of sympathetic, ordinary God-fearing people of South Africa,” said Mashego.

Additional proceeds would go towards other citizens who might find themselves in very desperate situations. These included people who faced difficulties in the areas such as education, housing, and health.

Mashego said Malema was not directly involved in the operations of the trust, but he gave the trust permission to use his name.

In February this year, Malema was provisionally sequestrated by the North Gauteng High Court in Pretoria. According to court documents, Malema owed R16m plus interest after failing to submit tax returns between 2006 and 2010. – News24

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